Chapter 30
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Olivia climbed into the carriage, removed her mask, and spoke urgently, breathing so hard that her shoulders shook.
"Mary, give me some water."
Mary quickly handed her a bottle of water. Olivia didn't drink it, but poured it into a handkerchief, dampened it, and wiped her lips.
She rubbed and rubbed, feeling disgusted, and Mary said with concern.
"Your makeup's all off, Lady, and if you keep doing that, you're going to peel all the skin off your lips."
"Ugh."
Undeterred, she wiped a few more times, stopping only when she tasted blood, and then wiped her hands. There's nothing on her fingertips, but they feel hot and sticky.
It was necessary, and she wouldn't hesitate to do it again, but it still made her nauseous to touch Ezekiel. It would have been better if she didn't feel anything there, or if she only felt discomfort, but the memories of pleasure intertwined with it made it all the more horrible.
"Ha."
Only after she wiped her hands until they were red did she let out a long sigh and stretched.
"Lady."
"I'm fine, I'm just, uh, exhausted."
Olivia covered her face with her hands and closed her eyes for a moment.
Once again, she replayed the events of today. Ezekiel was a man who easily gave up what he got, so she must never give him her body easily, but she must also give him enough leeway that he wouldn’t lose his interest. If she ran away, she'd be like a hunted animal that he would just shoot and kill, and if she's too enthusiastic, he'd get bored.
She had to keep walking the tightrope. Just thinking about it made her tired.
"Miss...."
Mary looked at her worriedly.
Back in the capital, Olivia had told her part of the truth and her goal. Mary learned that Lady Ferrill's real name was Gisela, and she was told why the old Count Lutgard had hidden her away.
"I want to find my mother's enemies and avenge her," Olivia told her. "I also want to find my father." Mary nodded. Considering Lady Ferrill’s life in hiding in Count Lutgard’s domain, never returning to her family, she could understand Olivia's feelings.
But she also felt a twinge of pity: Olivia could have lived comfortably as the Countess of Lutgard. And if not, that was fine. She'd inherited enough of an inheritance that she could find a suitable suitor and live happily ever after.
Lady Ferrill would hope so, Mary thought. But Olivia's mind was made up, and the loneliness of her new home made it impossible for her to say otherwise.
But was it worth the pain?
"Don't make that face. It just brought back some unpleasant memories."
"I don't know exactly what you're planning or what you're doing, but... I don't want you to do anything that will cause you too much pain."
"Thank you."
Olivia smiled faintly and leaned her head on Mary's shoulder, murmuring.
"It's hard, but this isn't what really hurts."
The flesh was nothing. A hand that barely touched the body could not defile the soul. If it could taint a person, she deserved to be buried in the bottom of a dump.
"Laila" was not herself. She was just playing a part.
So it's okay, Olivia thought to herself. No matter what she did, no matter what happened.
She kept her eyes closed and rested for a while. Ferdinand had given her an office and a common room in the theater for the Marelle Troupe to use for the time being, but she couldn't rest so comfortably in someone else's space. Being Lady Laila was like acting without a break.
"Get some sleep. I'll wake you if there's any news."
Olivia heard Mary's voice in her sleep, not so much as a restful slumber as a brief plunge into darkness as her exhaustion reached its peak.
"Via, you're a terrible woman."
She heard Theodore's voice whisper. Olivia wasn't sure if she was dreaming or imagining it.
He would not be convinced of anything. Not that she would kiss and have sex with Ezekiel for revenge, not that she would set someone else up, someone she didn't have a direct grudge against, and not that she would use someone she trusted to dig that trap.
She wanted to be comforted by him, to tell him something terrible had happened today, to put her arms around him and kiss him, to make sure the last touch of her lips was his.
But to Theodore, what she did today would be nothing short of a betrayal.
She felt terribly lonely.
Her past was real only to her. No one but Theodore would ever understand her.
It was not the time for such vain thoughts, but Mary's hand gently shook her awake.
"Yes? Mary, what is it...?"
"The show's over."
She looked up, startled. She thought she'd closed her eyes and lost in thought, but she must have fallen asleep somewhere along the way.
Mary was right. When she looked out the carriage window, the guests were already outside and climbing into their respective carriages.
Olivia rubbed her face with the palm of her hand. She shouldn't have to worry about it, since Marel and Manager Peron would be taking care of all the practicalities, but she couldn't believe she'd fallen asleep so deeply when she should have been prepared.
"Ah."
Someone knocked on the carriage door. Olivia quickly put her mask back on. She couldn't face anyone with her makeup off.
She opened the curtain of the window slightly, and there was Ferdinand. She unlocked the carriage door from the inside.
As Ferdinand climbed into the carriage, he asked.
"Why are you in the carriage and not in the common room, with your mask on?"
"My makeup is off. Did the premiere go well?"
"You didn't expect it to be a huge success, did you? Everyone gave it a standing ovation, and Luna had to come out three times for the curtain call."
Olivia breathed a short sigh of relief. She knew it would go well, but Lady Laila’s reputation was at stake in this performance. She needed to build a reputation and establish herself far beyond what she was now, and this premiere would be the beginning of that.
Ferdinand glanced at Mary. Olivia whispered to her to step outside the carriage for a moment.
Mary stepped out of the carriage, a worried look on her face.
"Empress Lillian is in Zion Miller's waiting room, and it took a bit of maneuvering to get her maid to leave."
"Good, that's a relief."
"You have a lot of faith in him."
"He may be capable of betrayal, but I don't think he'll be able to resist temptation, and the fact that they've been alone together means the Empress hasn't been able to resist him."
"True. And you seem to have succeeded."
Ferdinand's voice held accusation and suspicion. Olivia struggled to force a smile behind her mask. Facial expressions and voices were usually matched.
"Because I have something to get from the Duke of Schwaben."
"You mean a kiss?"
"I don't seduce men for that sort of thing."
Olivia said in a languid voice.
"Don't act like a petty man. It’s not attractive."
Ferdinand's mouth dropped open as if the words left him speechless. No man would be able to keep his cool after being told he was unattractive to a woman like this.
He couldn't help but agree that it was a tacky way to ask if she'd kissed the man, not that he was seriously questioning her. He let out a short sigh.
They had already conspired together. It was too late to suspect her of siding with the Duke of Schwaben.
Olivia ignored the topic, as if Ferdinand had never brought up Ezekiel, and continued.
"Leave the rest to Zion. I'll call you when we're ready to take the next step."
"What are you going to do next?"
"For the time being, I'll probably have to take the wrath of the Princess."
Ferdinand nodded. Today's events would enhance Lady Laila’s reputation, and that would anger Princess Loella.
In the dimly lit carriage, he gazed into Olivia's masked face. He felt curious. He wondered so much about the face beneath the mask-no, the bare, makeup-less face beneath it.
But it wasn't the time for that, so he waved goodbye and stepped out of the carriage. For some reason, bitterness seemed to well up at the bottom of his chest.
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