Chapter 4
***
Elise took Phillip's hand and stepped out into the garden.
The wind, still chilly, brushed her cheeks.
Unseen, the season had passed her by. Three laps later, it was winter again.
Nella had said that soon the snow would melt and spring would come.
They hadn't walked far when Phillip said she shouldn't overexert herself and sat her down on a bench.
"Come here, sit down."
<This is more comfortable,> she said.
Warmth radiated through their clasped hands.
Each stroke on his palm was as clear as if he were a soldier.
Elise gave a short smile at his gentle grip on the back of her hand.
As if he didn't think she could withstand the strength of his fingers, Philip always layered her hand over his before speaking.
It was a careful gesture, like handling a piece of glass that could easily shatter. No wonder, she was the wife of a demanding boss.
Elise loved the way Philip’s fingers brushed her palm.
She would ask him a question with her words and he would answer with a writing gesture in her palm, and vice versa.
She knew from Philip that being blind and not being able to speak was no barrier to being friends.
Thanks to Philip's protection from the wind, Elise didn't feel cold, just the chill in the air. It felt good, like it cooled her insides. Around her neck, she wore the fox-fur shawl Philip had tied for her.
With nothing but darkness in front of her, she tried to picture the garden at the end of winter.
It was easy to imagine the sight, but not so easy to imagine the colors.
Like plants that never saw the sun, Elise's world slowly lost its colors.
Was it because it was the last thing she saw before she went blind?
The only thing that hadn't faded was the look in her husband's eyes on their wedding day.
Even if they were twisted in contempt for her.
Those eyes reminded her of what spring felt like. She remembered how beautiful it was to see the greenery bathed in sunlight.
Phillip, still beside her, tapped the back of her hand.
She offered her palm, and a large hand wrapped around hers, his fingers dancing over it.
<Do you resent your husband?>
Phillip asked, noticing the pity in her voice as she groped for air.
Do I blame Claude.........
"Well, no. I suppose you could say it was his fault I lost my sight, but it was my choice. And now we're living better than before."
Her voice trembled as if to prove that her words were not what she felt.
She no longer had to worry about making a living, but if she hadn't married, she would never have become the Empress's jester.
To walk the streets. To walk through the house. She wouldn't be so afraid to leave her room.
If she hadn't held Claude’s hand......
Suddenly, Elise felt ridiculous.
She had known it all along.
But to feel this way now?
Elise hastily composed herself.
But her voice trembled uncontrollably, and the gleam of resentment that flashed across her face could not be picked up like spilled water.
"..................I mean."
It was time to make amends for her behavior in front of her husband's men. Phillip's fingers moved.
<Thank goodness.>
"......what?"
She asked, but no answer came.
A light chuckle escaped Phillip's lips as if it were nothing.
Was it just her, or did that laugh sound oddly familiar, like he was relieved about something?
<I think I'll have to leave you by yourself for a while.>
Phillip changed the subject while Elise was still reeling from the strange sensation. His firm fingers pulled her shawl together tighter.
"Are you being called out again?"
Phillip had lost his voice on the battlefield, he said, but not entirely.
It was not unreasonable; in times of war, the army was reluctant to let go of an unfit man.
Phillip was often called away by the army.
When he returned, his body smelled faintly familiar of gunpowder.
"How long do you think you’ll be gone this time?"
Phillip's hand tightened in hers as she asked the question. His fingers twitched a moment later, as if he were holding something back.
<This is going to take a long time. A very long...... long time.>
"Well...... it's your decision, so I'll abide by it."
<You must never skip a meal without me.>
"Okay. I promise."
Elise's answer didn't seem to reassure Phillip.
He looked at her like a child tossed to the water, and whenever he was away, he made a long list of demands.
<Don't forget to practice walking with Nella, so that when your eyes are better, you'll be able to walk fully.>
"That day will never come."
Phillip believed, like a fanatic obsessed with a dead thing, that Elise would open her eyes.
Unbelievably, her eyes were completely blind the moment the marriage was announced.
Each of the doctors who examined her declared that she would never regain her sight.
She was blinded to save Claude’s life, so if he were to die, would she be able to see?
Sometimes she thought about it, but it was just a thought. It would never happen, and it shouldn't have happened.
He was a great soldier.
It was better for everyone that she was blind and he was alive.
Regardless of her own personal tragedy, Elise knew it was an objective fact.
<It will happen.>
Phillip squeezed her hand firmly.
<So never give up.>
"......In your eyes, I appear to be a child. I see."
Feeling as if his words were giving her false hope, Elise was ready to end the conversation at this point.
But Phillip did not release his hold on her.
"Phillip, what is it?"
She asked, but there was no answer.
Elise thought his hand was as hot as boiling water.
Her husband's hands had been like that on their wedding day.
When she remembered how hot they felt through her gloves, she burst out laughing.
It was ridiculous to put her husband and Phillip in the same category when they were different men.
<Your Highness, I have a favor to ask of you.>
"What?"
<For once, forgive my rudeness.>
"Of course."
When she gave her answer, Phillip extended one hand to her face.
His hand came within inches of her face, as if it were something precious, something he dared not touch.
Slowly, as if gathering courage, he touched it and gently moved Elise's head.
It was then that she realized he had drawn her gaze from where it had been lingering in the air.
It was a gesture that was so deliberate, so at odds with her husband's usual cold and roughness.
His other hand, still clasped in hers, was trembling.
Elise's breath caught in her throat at the sensation, as if he were actually saying goodbye.
Was he going somewhere dangerous this time?
<Please be well.>
"..."
<I wish you life.>
For a moment, her fingertips felt a soft touch. It didn't take long to realize it was his lips.
After pressing his lips to each finger, Phillip kissed the back of her hand one last time.
His lips lingered on the back of her hand, as if to say goodbye.
<Always. Until the day my heart stops beating.>
Suddenly, she felt an unidentifiable drop of water on the back of her hand.
"......Phillip?"
<Don't wait for me.>
Phillip left after saying the same thing he always said when they parted.
***
It had been a week since Phillip left.
"Good night, then. Your Grace."
"Yes. Thank you, Nella."
After making the bed and tucking Elise in, Nella left the room.
Thud. She heard the door close.
Elise lay wide awake, unable to sleep, and thought of Phillip.
Before he left, he suddenly buried his face in her hair.
His fingers dancing over her palm. The boiling heat of his hand as he held hers tightly. The way he'd cheered her on, even to the point of saying.................. he'd support her life. Elise shook her head to clear her thoughts and closed her eyes, intent on sleep.
She opened and closed her eyes, seeing nothing but blackness, but as was her lifelong habit, she pressed her eyelids down deeply.
That night. Elise dreamed of her husband for the first time in a long time.
It was their wedding day.
The archbishop was presiding at the wedding mass, and suddenly she felt his gaze behind the veil.
The man who would soon be her husband was staring at her, not paying attention to the mass.
As she contemplated those eyes, not knowing what they were thinking, the scene switched to the final moments.
Elise knew she was about to wake up.
The dream of her wedding day didn't go any further than this. For the light in her eyes would end there.
As the archbishop solemnly pronounced their marriage, the man's eyes twisted.
They looked so painful, like someone was tearing his heart out. That blue light.
And then everything was plunged into darkness.
Just as she thought he was about to wake up, she heard a voice.
"Elise."
The voice sounded wistful, and she knew her dream must have been a hallucination.
Her husband had never called her by that name before.
"Have you been waiting?"
<Don't wait.>
Her husband's words, which he habitually spat out when he returned, were followed, somehow, by Phillip's handwriting. It was like the words of the man left behind and got picked up.
"...... Ha. Your Highness!"
She felt her body shake.
She frowned, then lifted her eyelids. Elise's face turned to stone.
"..."
She still thought she was dreaming.
The light.
It was light.
It was the unmistakable light of the sun, shining straight at her face, threatening to pierce her pupils through the gap in the blackout curtains.
Elise slowly turned around.
Sunlight piercing through the curtains. The dark-colored curtains. The decorations beside them.
I see it.
Finally, Elise concluded.
I can see ................
"Your Highness!"
A voice called out to her again, frozen like a glacier in panic.
She turned her head, stiff as an ungreased door, and there stood the horrified maid.
"Your Highness, something terrible has happened!"
"..................What is it?"
"His Highness the Prince... was killed in battle!"
***
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