Chapter 59
***
"You won't believe me when I tell you that if my mother had been healthy, she would have visited you, Your Higness, one day."
Actually, he wanted to believe it.
How many times had he prayed for Elizabeth's return, knowing that a full moon would grant his wish. How he had learned the hard way that the full moon only rose so often.
Only he did not know that those childish wishes still lingered in his heart, stirred by the words that flowed from her fierce lips.
"If they had both wronged, if I repay you diligently, if I am of any use to you............... will you forgive me some day?"
Every time he made a wish, he swore that if she didn't come back, he would never forgive her.
Even after half a lifetime of doing so, her words were still haunting him.
He wanted to forgive her.
He knew it was unfair to hold the child accountable for their parents’ sins.
It was not that he didn’t feel sorry for Miriam, who was the most strange and pitiful person in the world, or that he didn’t hate the woman, who was so lacking and desperate to be someone to him.
He didn’t hate the way her cheeks flushed and looked at him with those big emerald eyes that sometimes made his heart ache.
For reminding him how warm someone else's body was when he had long since forgotten. For making the nights that always seemed so long for him so short.
He wanted to forgive her, even if it meant breaking an old vow.
If he had fooled the world with his little lies, maybe he could fool himself in the end.
............ I'm stuck.
How could he be so weak?
He recalled the days of his youth, when he lost his parents at the hands of his uncle and ran away with the name of prince.
The cold hut, the harsh childhood in Burg.
And now, standing here, barely able to walk through the thorns, he wondered how he could do this again. The captain's voice rang in his ears.
"She met the Lord of Melk in the marketplace and exchanged a few words."
He wish she had nowhere to run.
He should have made sure she knew there was only hell to pay.
Would she have stayed with him then?
Again, Caius pressed his fists to his chest, feeling the rush of vain expectation.
It was a heart long since hardened to stone with frustration, anger, sadness, and loneliness. And now it ached as if it were cracked.
A terrible gunshot rang in his ears. It was the sound he had heard the night his parents died, the sound that seemed to pronounce the beginning of his misery.
It was a sound he would never forget as a four-year-old wrapped in swaddling clothes, unaware of what had happened that night.
Even with the woman by his side, he could no longer sleep.
***
Bang!
His first successful hunt was during his second spring in Burg.
“Yay….!!!!!!”
Amidst the applause of the servants, the eight-year-old boy carried the fox carcass, ragged with dog bites and gunshot wounds, to his feet. The animal's body heat warmed his shoulders. Martin stepped forward and praised him.
"Congratulations on your first harvest, young master."
Young master.
That was what Caius had been called in Burg lately. The Margrave, who had been childless for many years after their marriage, had taken him in as their adopted son, if only formally.
It wasn't until much later that Caius decided to take advantage of his position, when he was still a young boy, and his mind was still largely composed of rebellion.
"I'm sure you remember what you promised to give me for my first successful hunt, butler."
The fox slung over his shoulder was dripping with blood, but the butler, standing in the distance, only smirked.
"As I recall. All I promised was a quiet morning. Young master."
Caius turned away coldly, leaving the butler standing.
One day, when he was taller and broader than him, he would look down on those wretched ashen eyes. When he regained his throne, he would make the scum of the Burg kneel at his feet and lick the floor.
The wait was too long, and he had nowhere to vent the anger building in his small chest, so Martin the Butler was one of his few outlets.
Of course, Martin was no slouch himself, and he would often give Caius a hard time, so putting him in his place actually hurt the young prince. He didn't know it then, and he didn't want to admit it even if he did.
Returning to the manor, he went to the Margrave’s chambers and laid out the dead fox.
"I dedicate my first kill. Father."
The old Margrave had taken Caius into the woods a month earlier, in the still chilly late winter, and shot his pony without warning.
He had left the grieving Caius where he was and returned to the manor first, telling him not to trust anything alive, not even himself.
The Margrave was cold-blooded like that, but Caius had nowhere to go but back to Burg. It was all because of Ermoli.
When he returned safely, the Margrave declared that he would take him as his adopted son. It seemed the young Caius had no right to refuse.
He was horrified, but also curious. Would he be able to trust him if he became his adopted son?
The man he hadn't trusted yet, the man who had suddenly claimed the name of father, showed him a smile for the first time that day.
And so he learned that to be accepted by him, he must produce tangible results. The old man’s lips curled into a smile as he commented on Caius's first kill.
"Don't let the dog bite the kill, son, you've made a mess of that pretty fur."
No matter how disgusting the title Son was, it wasn't as bad as the man in front of him.
The man added a cruel remark.
"You can shoot a dog that doesn't listen to you."
He grew up with a father like that. He blamed Ermoli for abandoning him.
You should have just left me at the burning imperial castle, Stefan.
If you're going to abandon me, abandon me sooner, before I know you, before I know Elizabeth.
Don't teach me to rely on the warmth of others.
To Caius, Ermoli was the name of sorrow. It was the name of anger. It was a name of longing, of wanting to swallow even when his heart ached.
***
They had been away from the manor for several days, and the couple hadn't stepped out of their bedroom all day.
The servants exchanged conspiratorial glances and blushed from time to time, but Pauline couldn't help it.
The next day, she threw down her notebook in front of Louise without even finishing the schedule she had so painstakingly organized. Unlike her stoic master, the innocent maid's eyes were red the whole time.
"Is that right, in the afternoon?"
Louise asked, feigning ignorance, but Pauline's dark eyes were beginning to water in earnest.
"Pauline."
As she did her morning grooming, she had to use a minute to cover the hand print on her mistress's wrist.
She wondered if her master hit her.
Her master was a man known for beating bears, and if he started touching this delicate body, she would break.
She wondered why she had offended him so much. He had been so open to her.................
"..."
Pauline bit her lower lip.
"I've been thinking about why the lady did it, and..., I don't know."
Louise fell silent.
Of course, that would be ridiculous for a handmaiden. As far as Pauline was concerned, she was a Countess, and Burg was in desperate need of an heir.
So she could understand her anger.
Tears rolled from the young maiden's eyes.
"If there was a reason you had to do it, couldn't you have let me know........., so that I, too, could have helped somehow...."
"Pauline."
Louise called in a tired voice.
"It is difficult for me to explain myself now; you must have felt it, Your Excellency is very angry. I begged him for forgiveness, but he wouldn't accept it."
"What? Then how can..................."
Judging by the frantic rolling of her eyes, Pauline thought Louise was about to be banished. She couldn’t tell if it would be better or not.
Louise smiled.
"There's nothing I can do about it. I'll just have to wait until he's cooled off."
She swallowed hard and added with a sigh.
"I've heard he's a terrible insomniac. He'll be hunting for a while, so tell Miriam's maid. Take good care of her."
There had been gunfire since dawn. Pauline's gaze fell to Louise's wrist, covered in powder.
"My lady, are you all right?"
***
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Write a comment
plt (Sunday, 27 October 2024 09:05)
My poor baby Louise �
Thanks for the chapter :)