Chapter 52
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#D-71
My Largo.
I always didn't tell you much about the night I spent with him.
Even though I vowed to tell you everything. Even though I vowed to write down everything that happened in those 131 days. Even though I promised to fill you in with every word I knew.
This was the time that every couple in the world should spend, and yet, this was the most intimate and secretive contact between us.
Nevertheless, that first night was so traumatizing, so unforgettable even six years later, that I had to whisper it to you.
The humiliation of being turned into a caged ornamental bird in front of the observers was still indelible.
The days I spent getting used to him, the days filled with shame and unknown emotions, were also days I was forced to record in order to explain to you who I am.
But this dawn.
That brief moment before God, with his beautiful fingers, pulled back the curtain of dawn.
A time when the stars in the sky looked uniquely beautiful, a memory I would cherish for the rest of my life.
I know that someday, perhaps in the not-too-distant future, I'll be crying and begging to go back to that day again, holding him in my arms.
I want to go back to that day once again, hugging him and crying and begging.
I wondered what to say first.
I thought for a long time, and then I decided.
His words from the carnival came back to me vividly.
He had played a terrible trick on me.
After six years of marriage and the night's events, I was not ignorant, but I couldn't say anything back.
Anyway, luckily for me, the table-clearing incident never happened.
If he had actually started clearing the table, I would have run away and pretended to sleep without washing up.
The bathroom incident before we left for the carnival was already enough of a wake-up call for me. Alas, that was really his bad.
We were on the bed, where I always laid my tired body to sleep and rested my uncomfortable body.
With his back to the ceiling, he looked down on me from above.
Behind him, a nameless pattern carved into the ceiling. It was a dizzying reflection of intricate geometric patterns that I didn't recognize, even after six years of seeing them.
This was a place that belongs only to the two of us, thickly scented with his scent and mine. His and my eternal home, where no one could invade.
Late spring, never to be seen again, seeped through the cracks of the slightly open window.
Shhhhh, the sound of the wind shaking the world into silence.
Everything in the world seemed sad to me these days, but not now. Nothing was sadder than this moment.
The light green curtains, which the maid had told me today were out of place in the room, stirred, but neither he nor I cared.
There was no question of who came first.
We just craved each other's warmth, so naturally, like it was the right thing to do.
Not a word was exchanged, but I could see in his eyes that he wanted me.
Our breaths were intertwined, just the two of us. He became a primeval body and layered his weight on top of mine.
His dark hair spilled over me, caressing me so preciously.
I tangled my fingers in the soft strands of his hair, burying him completely in the hollow space inside me.
The time when we were born two and became one, when we spoke of love, when we conveyed our infinite hearts with our bodies instead of our words.
His weight pressing down on me, his hands cherishing my body, the air of our entangled moment fills me in this time.
The starlight was shining through the window.
The glittering light, I realized later, was the color of my tears as they fell in gasps from my lips.
My manicured nails, clawed at his back in excitement.
I heard the bed creak, and my body, crushed against him, trembled and cried.
The sensations, almost too much to bear, burned me white.
Him wanting me so badly, him wanting to take me, to possess me, to own me.
That time when I thought it would be okay if tomorrow's sun didn't rise and today's stars didn't fade.
- Duchess
I heard a naked whisper.
At the end of the hot breath, there he was.
He was breathing harsh, hot breaths, as if he felt the same way I did.
- Look at me.
I looked up at you, breathing heavily.
He grabbed my chin and brushed his lips over mine.
His lips slipped away, leaving his marks on the nape of my neck, on my shoulder.
Pushing himself deep inside me, into places I didn't even know existed, he gave me everything he had.
- I love it when your gaze falls on me.
His voice, deep and lust-filled, crashes into my ear as my body reeled from the sensations.
The black shadows of us, carved into the wall, blurred together.
The unrecognizable breathing became a wistful waltz.
To that waltz, the two shadows began to dance, slowly, as one, as a pair.
It was impossible to tell if the human breath was flowing in time with the shadows' dance, or if the shadows were dancing in time with the human breath.
They were just as natural and natural as they had been since the beginning of time, craving and longing for each other.
All those feelings made for a relationship that is now, in this one moment, as beautiful and poignant as ever.
- When your world was closing in on me.
Like now.
Panting, our sweaty hands clasped together.
My thumb between his thumb and forefinger, my index finger between his index and middle finger, just like the day we were married.
Finger by finger, knuckle by knuckle, we overlapped.
And finally, like a testament to the promises made, he spoke at the end of it, as a pair.
- When you crave me like this.
When I'm filled with you, your flesh and blood.
When you gave me every breath you had, it was impossible to think of anything else.
Just you and me.
The illusion of being alone in this world, in a universe beyond this world.
There was nothing to be ashamed of because there was only him, and my universe was filled with him.
I clung to him, abandoning myself, demanding that he fulfill the desires of my mind and body.
- When I tell you that I am your everything.
I called out to him in a tiny breath, and flesh rubbed against flesh.
The sound that had been tantalizing my ears awakened my senses.
I want you right now, just you, so give me everything you have. Hold me any way you want.
As if he understood the words in my eyes, he held me a little tighter.
He filled me with his desire for deeper, unknown places.
Pleasure and ecstasy filling my body and mind. A time of being loved beyond measure, of making the greatest love of my life.
The waltz of breath and the dance of shadows continued for a while.
The spring breeze. The weeping moon. The stars that never slept over the two of us.
The veil of dawn, which God hadn't taken away with my delicate fingertips.
Finally, he collapsed on top of me, barely able to breathe.
With strong arms, stronger than ever, he embraced me and kissed my trembling body.
I returned the favor, embracing him in a deep embrace.
He held and stroked me for a long time. I could almost smell the flavor of his tears on my fingertips as they moved in a way that was almost unbearable.
And then.
The realization that there could be no outcome at the end of this act for a new life left me with a small, uncontrollable sadness.
***
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