Chapter 51
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- That's.................. an overly subjective judgment.
- I know, I know. It's not rational, it's emotional, it's subjective.
His words were affirmative, but his tone was fierce.
I felt like he was going to go after the maid and hold her at gunpoint if I didn't stop him.
He, the master of this country, had the authority to do so, and she, the maid, would die without question.
- But what can I do, I will follow what my heart commands.
For a moment, he, my steadfast friend, seemed like a child whose toy had been taken away from him.
- But knowing your character, I didn't let it get to me. You didn't let it get to you, not then, not now, not like this.
But it seemed to be a declaration that he would not hesitate to harm her after my death.
- I hope not.
- Why, what the hell is that.
- I don't want to disappoint you.
Looking at him beneath the bright stars, I let out a weak laugh.
-..................Your Highness, do you know that you did, too?
The tale of the departed ended thus.
-Now come, indeed, now come................... As if that were the best affection you could show me.
-....
- you squeezed the throat of the child who was the only one who was willing to cry for me.
Perhaps her fear, her need to survive, like mine, stemmed from that day.
How could anyone not be afraid, how could anyone think of surviving, when the great prince of the continent, was trying to kill them?
-Funny, isn't it?
But I couldn't help but add a sneer.
There was nothing that was not marvelous, and nothing that was not ridiculous.
At least to me, that was the case with everything he did.
- His Majesty had many more opportunities. If he truly considered me his daughter, if he thought I was his blood, he might have said something nice to me early on, maybe even slipped a small sweet into my hand. But he never did.
His red eyes flashed fiercely.
-Are you saying that to me, I and the king are the same?
- Of course not, except...................
On the contrary, I was soothing him.
- I say this because you both keep blindfolding yourselves to one thing and refusing to see the other.
-....
- I hope Your Highness will not be distracted by that child.
Today, our air of false calm collapsed.
Beneath the sharply cracked ice lurked the icy waters that would cool everything.
I had to stop him with a quiet voice, as the tables were turned on him.
- If you keep thinking about it, and it's causing you pain, think of me instead.
His face, illuminated by the stars, was distorted, pained.
- As much as you care for me.................. that child, she has a precious family that cares for her, and in the not-too-distant future, she will have a lover, just like you and me. She will be loved by many, by all.
- Alternate..................
His lips quirked into a smile.
The words you'd heard once before were on your lips again.
- Is this the mind of the seer?
He must have thought of me as something very holy.
- Why is your understanding like harm?
He called it understanding, but in truth I have never had such a broad mind.
Every word I uttered was born of selfishness.
Largo, you would have known. This endless selfishness that ate away at me.
He stalked over to me and gripped my shoulders.
The gentle touch from earlier was gone.
- What do you expect me to do, eh?
- Your Highness.
- Why do you torment me like this, this way, over and over again, tearing my heart out.
I could only listen to the words that poured out of him, bordering on shouting.
Knowing full well that each insignificant word, each insignificant gesture, tears me apart where it has begun to crack.
I knew that even if I stitched it back together, it would never be the same.
I still couldn't figure it out. What whispers of mine had touched his shattered heart and ripped it to shreds.
- When you show such mercy, it reminds me of my tormentor. The days when I struggled against you, broken and wounded, my sins, my wrongdoings..................
There was a faded voice.
The hands that clasped my shoulders touched my cheeks.
His trembling gaze, his ragged breathing, seemed to speak to the turmoil within.
A passerby might think we were fighting again.
- Every time I saw your harmless smile................... There are things that constantly play in my mind whenever I see you taking things for granted.
I remember the old me asking myself, would it be better not to smile then?
I thought I was just standing in place, but I had grown a little taller.
-I'd say something wrong, and you'd smile and say it's okay, when it's not okay at all.
The truth, which I kept hidden deep in my heart, spilled from my lips.
And yet, trapped in his gaze, I was at peace.
As always, as always.
Hiding, holding it in, enduring it, skillfully hiding it again by building a deep wall around my heart.
All of this is just a way to keep me from hurting even more.
So this thing he called mercy, it was nothing but selfishness, all too clear.
- I could fall to my knees and apologize, and you'd be quick to pull me to my feet. Saying I was not to blame for anything.
I could not deny it.
He knew me so well.
As much as I was ignorant of him.
- That's not forgiveness, that's resignation, that's giving up, that's just saying it's not necessary.
There was a pleading in my heart.
A desperate plea to me, to forgive you for the time that has passed.
In truth, it was I who should have sought redemption, and it was you who should have offered forgiveness and tolerance.
But even so, I love the way you cling to me in this time.
I love the way you kneel down and beg me with your heart.
I love the way you can't help but long for me, the one who will disappear forever through the cracks of time.
I, with my own selfishness, could not give you the one word you wanted.
- So why can't you hate and resent, and honestly say that you hate everyone who made you this way, even the god you serve.
- For whom should I do this?
His gaze flickered, beady, at the word that hid so much.
The pupils of his dwindling eyes whispered a sorrow he could not hide.
I placed my hand on both of his cheeks.
- Already today, you have brought me down once and raised me up again.
A second time again, in a way that no one else will ever see.
I would still be me, constantly hiding my feelings, keeping my nose to the grindstone, and walking the path that was left to me.
Even if that child makes me look bad. Even if you, the eternal one, shook me to my core.
So even if all of a sudden, a part of me that I've been hiding comes out.
- The time I've been granted is too short to hate, to resent, and I don't want even a second of our time to be wasted on that.
I added in a small voice.
All I could do with the time I had left is to cherish more, love more.
And to fill it with nothing but brilliance.
For now, that's all I could hope for.
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