Chapter 1
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Falling in love was hard, breaking up was easy.
I wasn't sure if I loved the man who broke up with me.
The tears in my eyes were not mourning for a severed emotion. They were pity for me.
"I don't think we're right for each other, Eun-jin."
It was reality.
Was it you and me, or was it our backgrounds that were mismatched? I knew the answer with certainty. But I didn't correct him.
The sharper the world becomes, the blurrier I become. For the time being, it was better to float in a hazy universe.
Time would heal the wounds of separation, or seal them. Either way, it didn't matter.
Time would do it. That's all it took.
Love required many things.
There were too many premises to be lumped under the single word love.
I drifted in the midst of a love that was cut short before it could come to an end.
It was my family, alas, that stood in the way of my love.
My mother, tucked away somewhere in the midst of all the grief and resentment.
My blood, my love, my anguish, gnawing away at my youth that would never return.
-Eun-jin, come home quickly. My dear daughter. Is there anyone else I can trust but you?
My mother's voice through the cell phone tightened my breath.
I didn't even have time to bask in the hurt of a one-sided breakup.
"What's going on again?"
-Do you have any money?
"I gave you three million won last month. Why do you need money again?"
Late at night, exhausted from the haze of separation, my mother's familiar voice weighed heavier on my shoulders.
I swallowed and swallowed, the sobs rising to the back of my throat. The sorrow I couldn't get rid of slid down my esophagus and into my toes.
-How can you even ask me why I need money? Shouldn't you ask your mom what's wrong with her first? Hehe.......
My heavy eyelids closed and opened slowly, as if they were suspending a lead ball.
It was 10:00 p.m. in the dimly lit streets. I turned around and headed home to Incheon, where my mother lived.
It was better to get it over with quickly than to stay on the phone and listen to my mother's tearful sobs. My weekend plans to sleep in and forget about reality for the first time in a long time were ruined.
On Friday night, the subway was packed with drunks sprawled out on the seats like they had been rented out.
I didn't feel like sitting down, so I put on my high heels and headed from Sinchon to Incheon.
The vibrations of the subway made my body shake. I didn't even have the energy to stand up straight.
I made my way to my mom's house.
I was glad to see her, but it was the kind of neighborhood I wanted to escape.
"You're so tired, why did you come at this time of night? You're the only one who loves mom."
My mom brainwashed me. Yes, she only had me.
I was the only child who had to give her money.
There was no one else to give love to.
I walked into the villa where my mother and brother lived alone.
My brother had never earned any money until he was thirty years old. My real brother, Ha Dong-jin, was a member of an organized crime syndicate, and it was his job to suck the blood and sweat of the common people through a straw.
All he did as a family man was live as a parasite in his mother's womb.
Unable to give birth, the parasite stayed in her arms like a fetus, sucking up nourishment, and I was too stupid to turn away from the bloodsucking sacrifice.
My mother hugged me, tears streaming down her face.
Whenever her mother grew weak, my heart grew impatient. My guilt ate away at me, even though I was the one giving the money.
There were givers and takers, but it was always the giver who became the sinner.
"Where's brother?"
"......Eun-jin, your brother......, heh......."
My mom fidgeted in her seat and reeked of despair. Stepping into the narrow living room that led to the front door, I sat down next to my mother and patted her on the back.
"Why? What's wrong?"
"Dong-jin, Dong-jin borrowed money from a loan shark."
"......!"
My heart cracked. I knew he had bad credit, having been to prison twice, but I thought he was making a little money from his gangster life.
The fact that he'd taken out a loan meant he'd gone too far.
"A loan shark? What kind of money does he need?"
"He's a good kid, he's trying to feed his mom......."
Good kid!
Something inside me cringed at the stupid modifier. But when I caught the tail end of it, I realized it was just a tedious mother-daughter war of words.
"Finally, he has gone crazy."
I shook my head and sighed. My mother grabbed my hand. My mother's thick, rough hands made my heart weak.
"You know your brother's friend Cho Min-seong, right?"
"......brother Min-seong? What's with Min-seong all of a sudden?"
I felt my reality slip away for a moment at the sound of Cho Min-seong, a name I hadn't heard in so long.
I vaguely realized that he had something to do with her brother's loan.
"Ever since he was little, I didn't like the way Dong-jin hung out with that guy…. Anyway, I think that punk Min-seong lent Dong-jin money and threatened to sell him on the island if he didn't pay it back.”
"......."
I chewed my lip.
According to Dong-jin, my brother's friend Cho Min-seong was the managing director of a construction company called Kyunggeum Construction. It was a construction company that sounded good, but in reality, it was an unscrupulous company run by a gangster organization.
There was nothing the group wouldn't touch if it could make money. Loan sharking, voice phishing, human trafficking.
Only a few years ago, it was rumored that it was trying to stay within the legal boundaries by turning to the reconstruction market and the secondary financial sector.
Dong-jin spent his early years hanging out with Cho Min-seong, a habit that led him to become a delinquent student, and he got into debt at Kyunggeum Construction.
"How much did he borrow that he could be sold to the island?"
My mom was speechless.
Suddenly, I realized that my mother had lied when she had taken money from me last month, saying that her back hurt and she needed an MRI. The money had gone to my brother's pocket, as usual.
The money I had saved through gritted teeth had gone straight to my brother's gaping pocket. It wasn't the first time I’d been taken advantage of, but every time I realized it, my blood ran cold.
It wasn't money that I wanted from my mom; it was attention, approval, and love.
I didn't get any of that.
"You go and talk to Min-seong."
Mom didn't tell me how much Dong-jin had borrowed, but she told me to go see Min-seong.
I was surprised, even though my mom only sees her son in her eyes.
"Why should I? I don't even know him, Dong-jin needs to wake up. It's not because you keep helping him that he's losing his mind. Just kick him out of the house. He's thirty, he's old enough to take care of himself!"
As I raised my voice, my mother, who had been silent, slowly rolled up the waist of her T-shirt.
I froze at the sight of the ugly needle marks on my mother's side. The flesh, which hadn't even healed properly yet, was raw and oozing pus.
"Mom, what is this? Mom......!"
I muffled my screams with my hands. My mom pulled down her clothes and began sobbing, her chest heaving.
"I sold my kidney for Dong-jin's debt, but Jo Min-seong said he's going to hand him over to the island."
"Mom, what's going on? You sold your kidney? Is that even possible in today's world?"
"Eun-jin, at least for the sake of your mom….”
"How much money did he borrow that you had to sell your kidney!"
Tears welled up in my eyes. I shouted out my uncontrollable emotions, but my mom was a true alumna.
"Eun-jin, you knew Min-seong well when you were younger."
"Who said that?"
"Don't pretend you didn't."
I glared at my mother, unable to hide my resentment.
"I've only spoken to Min-seong a few times."
"But you’ve known each other for years."
"Did Ha Dong-jin say that? Did he ask me to do it? So? What do you want me to do?"
"So if you go and talk to him......."
I pressed my hands to my throbbing temples. My brother, who took out a loan, and my mom, who sold a kidney to pay off his debt.
In the meantime, I had become a debtor in her heart again.
"I have nothing to do with Min-seong."
"But if you go, maybe he'll let your brother off the hook?"
"What do you mean?"
"You two aren't in a normal relationship......."
"What do you mean, we’re not normal? What are you trying to say?"
"Forget it."
I put my hand to my forehead at my mother's words. I couldn't believe my mother was telling me to go to my brother's friend who was a gangster, even if she could only see her son in front of her.
"So. What do you want me to talk to him about?"
"Eun-jin, if you go and tell him your situation, he'll let your brother off the hook, right?"
"Why do you think Min-seong will look out for me?"
"Well, because I think Min-seong will remember the old days......."
"If Min-seong remembers me. Does that mean I should go and sell my body?"
Seeing that I had said something I shouldn't have, my mom suddenly started laughing out loud.
"Hmph....... This is why it's useless to raise a daughter....... Your brother is going to be a slave in a salt mine, and you're saying such things? Ha, what's so hard about going to that place and cleaning it up....... It's not just between siblings, if this mom dies, will you only have Dong-jin?"
“Mom only has Dong-jin, don’t you even see how I live?"
"Ha Eun-jin, how did I raise you......!"
I stepped out of the suffocating house, leaving my tearful mother behind as she crawled across the floor.
Bang.
The sound of the rusted iron door slamming shut shattered something inside me.
By now, the subway had stopped running.
It was at this point that I remembered my boyfriend's breakup announcement.
He was such a smart guy.
Yes, it was better to get rid of a woman like this from his life.
The breakup was justified.
Rain began to pour from the sky. There was no one to hold an umbrella for me as I arrived aimlessly at the subway station.
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