Chapter 44
**
#D-73
......
The Lunar New Year, which may be the last, had come to an end.
My body was relieved, but my mind was uncomfortable.
Only a feeling of desolation remained in my heart, and I sat in place, staring at the endlessly falling hourglass.
Who would have thought that I would feel life, know life, and think about what it means to live during a period that was usually just a nuisance, annoyance, and discomfort.
Who knew that even this would make me long and ache.
Now I, too, have begun to attach meaning to everything that passes by.
One trivial thing.
Who knows, maybe even a speck of dust that glistens golden in the sunlight holds a precious meaning.
***
#D-72
For the first time in my life, I got my nails done like a noble lady.
It was something I had never been allowed to do, and I watched in wonder as the maid's hands rubbed my nails and applied nameless substances.
Especially the head maid, who was always so dexterous with her hands.
The head maid whispered in admiration as she rubbed a cream of honey and something unknown on the back of my hand.
- My… Your Highness has beautiful hands.
-You mean these hands?
I asked, unable to conceal the trepidation in my voice.
My skin was rough from a childhood spent in the slums.
My fingers were curved outward, as if I had been playing the piano since then.
I couldn't afford to trim and decorate my nails like everyone else.
They were too short to trim even now, but I didn't think I'd ever get another chance.
They looked more like those of a maid’s than the Princess of a nation.
No one would ever say my hands belonged to a noble.
So inwardly, I was ashamed to extend my hand in front of others.
My hands seemed to tell the story of my birth, a story that was making others curious.
But the head maid, who always had good things to say, smiled broadly and chattered like a lark.
- Yes. It's just the right shape, and the nails are almond-shaped, so I think they can have colors without artificial nails. It's a pity I haven't taken care of them, because if they were a little longer, they'd be even prettier.
- you seem to think everything about me is good.
Muttering to myself, I remembered her from not so long ago.
How she had come to the palace the day of the rumors, crying and begging me to take her with me if I was going to leave.
I realized then that she hadn't been pretentious at all.
I stuttered and opened my mouth, just as I had with her.
- You've always been ⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯ like that, for the past six years, and you've always been so sincere with me. You've made me a good person.
I couldn’t even remember her name properly.
I only knew that she was a duchess somewhere, as was the Princess’s chief maid.
She replied as if it was nothing to think about.
- I didn't make her that way, Your Highness is a good person in the first place.
- You think so even though I've done nothing as a duchess.
I had done nothing. No, I haven't.
The head maid raised up her hands.
I flinched at her reaction, which was so different from my aunt's.
-Your Highness is from the kingdom, you're a 'seeer', and you've done so much for our duchy just by sitting there.
-I….
The question of whether being from the kingdom was such a great advantage if you're not even of royal blood was only broken in my mouth.
I realize now, foolishly, that I was the one who felt the greatest injustice for my unholy origins.
- I could go on and on, but the list is endless. First of all, you treat everyone fairly, which is why I feel at ease around you. There are no quarrels among the maids, and there is no greater benevolence in the palace than that.
At her kind words, I fell silent in despair. I was baffled that my abject indifference, my apathy, could be so acceptable to anyone.
- And most of all, generous.
- Am I...... you mean?
- Yes.
I wasn't being generous, I wasn't being fair, I just didn't care.
I couldn't help pointing out that that positive but finite assessment was a huge misunderstanding....... As if reading the embarrassment in the air, the maid, who had been eagerly massaging my hands as she applied the cream, let out a laugh. Then she whispered, as if telling me a secret.
- I don't know if you've heard of it, Your Highness...... His Highness's mother was a very strict woman.
I listened closely to the stories of the days I didn't know.
When I showed interest, her voice became a little more hush.
- The first thing she did in the morning, as soon as she woke up, was to draw the curtains and open the window.
- By herself?
- Yes. When you open the window, you can see the garden, and the garden has different colored flowers every day, right?
- That's right.
I meekly affirmed, but the words that blossomed in my heart were, maybe.
What colors of flowers were blooming in the garden I could still see right outside my window.
My answer was, "I don't know.”
- From then on, the color and material of the newly hung curtains to match the flowers that bloomed today, the carpet on the floor, the vase and tablecloth on the table, the color and pattern of the teaware to be used today... and even the decorations on the fireplace. His Highness took care of all the items placed in the palace.
I followed the maid’s hand and scanned the appearance of my room now.
I saw things I hadn't seen before, even though I had seen them constantly.
A breeze blew through the slightly open window, ruffling the light green curtains. I couldn't tell what they were made of.
The carpet that covered the floor was a deep ochre color. It was embroidered with what might be called arabesques.
On the bed was a black comforter that was too thick for me, a cold-blooded person, for the summer months.
A white rabbit-fur rug in front of the fireplace.
The tablecloth was also white. Except this one was woven with lace.
My favorite royal blue teacup on top of it.
An unnamed, yellow flower in a grayish-pink porcelain vase.
- What's the name of the flower on the table today?
- It's a begonia. His Highness sent it early this morning.
Only when the maid told me about it did I realize that the flower, so beautifully arranged in the vase, showing off its vibrant color, had a name.
Then I realized that everything that adorned this room was his way of telling me he cared.
Even the bedding, which was supposed to change with the seasons.
Every single piece of furniture, every single decoration, every single thing that had been left behind in my indifference, had been touched by his heart.
- You see, Your Highness is so generous that you don’t say anything. A tablecloth like that has bigger petals...... with poinsettias or something, though I'm not sure poinsettias are in season right now.
I don't even know if it's a good word to describe it as generous.
Largo, I think I was just a blind person with eyes open, a deaf one with hearing intact, and a mute with speech.
I was blind, deaf, dumb, and mute, and I didn't know how to speak.
Fearing that someday, just maybe, I would be hurt even more.
- The curtains and carpet don't match. The colors don't match. In fact, His Highness spilled tea on the carpet this morning on your way out, so we had to change it in a hurry.
Ochre carpet with light green curtains. Even to my not-so-aesthetic eye, it didn't look right.
If a guest walked in and saw the room today, they might have laughed at my tastelessness.
I don't know where the taste of the unclean would go...... with such an insult.
- But the old Duchess used to disapprove of even the simplest cutlery at breakfast if it wasn't perfectly matched, and there was no way this could be the case now, even if it was the result of her mistake.
She would have yelled at us to change the tablecloths immediately, the maid whispered, laughing.
****
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