Chapter 43
***
Naturally, I panicked at the unexpected object that was given.
- What the⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯ is this?
- It's supposed to be good for you.
That was why every month, at the beginning of the month, there was pomegranate juice.
I questioned how he knew, and why he was carrying something I didn't. I stared at him, and he just shrugged it off.
-You say we have nothing to hide between us.
- Of course not.......
It's just that we skipped a month, and even I had forgotten that I had a period.
At the same time, I remembered that for the past few days, he hadn't even touched me when he came to my room.
I thought it was just because he was saddened to see me leave soon, but apparently that wasn't the only reason.
⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯How did he know, because I didn't give off any signs of being unwell.
-When you were acting really weird.
As I continued to stare at him with suspicion, he opened his mouth to make excuses.
- I was wondering if you were pregnant.......
-Ah…..
- Your sensitivity has been uncharacteristic of you, and the maids at your palace have said more than once that they wonder if there’s news we’ve been waiting for.
The words that followed were swallowed whole.
You had a sweet dream, I thought.
I crushed all those dreams and hopes. In the most devastating way.
Closing my mouth, I clutched the cup tightly. I remembered his words.
He'd asked me if that was the god I served.
In this moment, I wanted to ask him. Desperately.
Was the God who would have devoured my worship and praise really a God of love and mercy?
Surely the doctrine of religion was one of boundless mercy, but what my god was doing to me was the opposite of mercy.
Afterward, I followed him as he made his way through the dense forest.
I had seen him hunt and bring back spoils, but it was different to see him in person. His marksmanship was exceptional.
Anything he shot, be it flying or wild, fell to the ground.
You could almost feel sorry for the dying creatures.
I thought to myself, "Is that what hunting is all about?" in the face of the abundance of beasts.
Some would be my dinner tonight, some would be the rug in my room, as he said.
So in the evening, in the carriage returning to the castle.
He washed my feet with hot water, which were swollen and red despite the few steps I had taken.
- Not bad for a period of preparation, I thought.
I thought about his words.
The greenery was thick, the gunfire loud, the beasts scrambling for their lives created a different feeling.
Something living, something dying.
Wasn't that the natural order of life and death?
- No, it was just fun to watch, and I think I'll remember it as a different experience. It’s you who ran around.
- I'm used to it, but you're not.
Hot, wet hands tickled my feet.
I'm embarrassed by the careful way they cleaned my toes.
- Your legs.
His voice was bitter as he broke the rhyme.
For a moment, I stared at my own legs, skinny and shapeless, hidden beneath my hunter's pants.
Even the sound of the rushing water and the rattling wagon seemed mournful.
- My kneecaps, I was told, were getting thinner every year, more so on the right side than the left.
That's what I was always told by the doctor who looked at my knees.
It's not much in a year, but if you think about six years ago, it's a lot thinner now.
So it must have gotten harder to walk.
I knew that, I just didn't admit it.
- Don't stand long, don't walk long...... the doctor said that sitting or lying down as much as possible is less taxing, so I'm glad you've been sitting in the temple for so long.
It would be less difficult for me.
It was as if the hidden words were finally being read.
Things I hadn't even realized I was hiding, but I was expressing them so blatantly.
Why?
-......you would always hug me.
My breath would come in shaky gasps.
His image imprinted on the time that passed.
Fragments of memories, one by one. I would never forget, even in death, the warmth of our time together.
- Whether it was on the way back from the temple, or when the banquet ended ...... even that short walk, there seems to have been only one day when you didn't lift me up in your arms.
-......I remember that day.
The hands that washed my feet trembled. The slap, slap, slap of the water rang in my ears.
- I shouldn't have taken out my anger like that.
- I don't say this to reprimand you, but rather to remind you that your behavior has been a consideration for me...... and that I now understand.......
The nonsensical echo faded against the roof of my mouth.
Slap, slap, slap. The melody of the water droplets rubbing together was disrupted.
-Grand Duchess.
At the sound of his heavy voice, his head bowed as he stood before me, his knees braced against the carriage floor. His disheveled black hair obscured his beautiful features.
- I love the way you stroke my hair when I wake up in the morning, the warmth of our skin against each other. I love the way your eyes look at me when you're still sleepy, and when I'm caught in your gaze, when your world is colored by mine, when your universe is filled with me⋯ I feel so much, uncontainable happiness.
The hands that touches my foot trembles.
-So, please, please.......
I reached out and cupped his cheek.
His gaze as he looked up at me was red, but was it because his irises were red in the first place, or was it my feet that had gotten wet in the water?
****
#D-74
......
For me, it was the hunt that involved following him all day and watching him, but my meager body was easily exhausted.
Retiring to my chambers, I slumped down and sent a message to the Reciter and the Hearer, who still resided in the duchy.
About the new 'seer’.
She was a child I couldn’t guide, so I asked the two, who had much wisdom in life, to teach her. I hoped they would take care of her.
But the child came straight to me.
-You're going to abandon me, aren't you?
At the sound of her questioning voice, I barely lifted my upper body off the bed and leaned back against the pillows.
The head maid, who had come in late, shouted at her, but she didn't budge.
- What are you doing? You need to leave right now! The Duchess is resting!
- Your Highness, why are you abandoning me? I want to stay by your side, I prefer your side to those two......
Hah, I let out a small sigh.
Even at that sigh, the child flinched as if she had swallowed her fear.
I didn't intend to scare her, so I sent a simple hand gesture to the chief maid.
Understanding the order to leave, the head maid quickly retreated, leaving the child to continue to talk eagerly, swallowing her fear.
- Since Your Highness plays the piano, I shall play the violin, or the flute...... harp, or something else; let me be at your side.
The eyes that looked at me were full of unconditional trust.
It was a strange thing.
What did you think you knew about me, that you could convey your affection to me like a child following a parent?
- There is nothing I can teach you.
-....yes?
-This may be an area you don't understand yet, but...... The reality is.
To put it bluntly, and just for you.
Child, you have done enough to erase me from the world,
you humble me.
I told you it's God's will and I can't do anything about it, but I'm dwarfed by you who was born with so much more.
I'm not abandoning you, but I can't stand by and watch myself grow smaller and smaller in front of you.
At this rate, after a little more than two months, I'm afraid I'm going to disappear as a person.
***
To donate for extra chapters for my series or to tip me visit my personal kofi page
Join my discord to get notifications for updates https://discord.gg/KftaxqanE4
(If the link is expired, message me for a new link)
Write a comment