Chapter 41
***
- But life is not what you think it is, and nothing ever goes your way.
A vain voice overlaid like a musical note.
It must have been me.
- You were painting a different picture beside me, and every time I looked at you, I was reminded of the vows I would have recited with all my heart. I resented you for not recognizing my cries, and I resented you for not recognizing my pleas, and I resented you endlessly.
The rain of words rained down on me.
The things I wrote down, the things I couldn't forget.
At the moment when the ink he soaked up smeared, I bit my lip and cried with my heart, remembering the time I spent listening to his words.
I lifted my head and wiped my cheeks, not wanting to wet him with my tears.
Because I realized in hindsight that the words that hurt me were not directed at me, but at himself.
- Because of me, you...... You must have been unhappy, standing beside me, never having had a moment's peace of mind, never having had a memory of being comfortable and happy in a strange place.
-....
- Even knowing that, I didn't want to leave your side when you asked me to take you back to the kingdom. Hurt and exhausted, you came and wanted to leave me ...... I just didn't want to let you go.
Slowly, I realized that his words were wrapped in a heavy despair.
- I must be punished for this.
My throat has become tight.
I could barely get air through the tightly closed gap.
- A punishment, Your Highness, for some offense.
- For not saying prettier things to you, nicer things. I didn't tell you how I really felt. So it's no wonder there's a punishment.
- But I also said things.
To the self-pitying man, I calmly recited.
No matter how much I wept and grieved and struggled, no matter how much I blamed, hated, and cursed the world, nothing would change.
Ironically, it was time that was not enough for me, but it was the only thing I had left.
- Let's look at the present rather than the past.
- The present, two months.......
His mutterings were sullen, almost defeated. But just like that, he faced the reality in front of him.
Only the inescapable fragments of time, fair to all, remained there.
Then, slowly, he moved away from me.
With his back to the rising sun, he was among the beautiful lights that dyed the colorless sea of air.
The only sun I could face, my own sun, slowly opened its mouth.
——.
Again, I heard my name. The only thing I could own.
With no one to call it to, I echoed it, now forgotten, and he pulled me by the waist.
- I cherish every breath you take, I worship every step you take.
Those words of his had been so, so sad.
- I love you.
In the light of this beautiful morning, all the sadness in the world seemed to gather and glisten on his lips, and the words echoed once more.
- I love you with all my heart. From the moment I first saw you, until now. Over and over again.
With his back to the sun, our lips met. Like a testament to any promise.
***
#D-76
He would leave for the hunt as soon as he was free and return in the evening, but this time the preparation was longer. Perhaps it was out of consideration for me, a novice.
So, while everyone else was in full swing, I had a long-overdue encounter with my new 'seer’.
Sitting in a golden chair, I scrutinized the child's slender body as it bobbed and weaved.
Her eyes were childlike, and her tiny hands and feet were like buds that had yet to fully bloom.
Only sixteen. About the same age I was when I awakened.
So young, so unthinkably young, I couldn't even call her a virgin; she was pure and innocent. I managed to twitch my immobile facial muscles and smile as sweetly as I could.
-I had so much to tell you, but I left you alone in the meantime. I apologize.
-Your Grace.......
I looked at the child who called me with trembling lips, tears streaming down her face. I thought the child, unable to escape her guilt, was too good.
I thought my final destiny was to open her eyes as a 'seer’, but from her point of view, it might have been better to live a normal life.
As it was, the child taught me something else I hadn't considered.
- Don't cry.
- But because of me, Your Grace.......
-Child, I assure you, none of this is your fault.
I pretended to be kind, I pretended to be gentle, I wiped the child's tear-stained cheeks.
There was a kindness in my fingertips that I couldn't call pretense, that I couldn't call genuine.
In retrospect, I would have done anything to hold her accountable.
I could have been as vicious as the queen who was going mad and blaming me every day.
If it weren't for her, I would. That pointless, harsh assumption.
But there was no reality to change, and I didn’t want to be like the Queen, who was more like a monster than a human being.
I sided with this child.
-Be dignified. Walk forward, down the shining path, and take your share.
- Your Grace.
-If I say this, am I putting too much of a burden on you?
I wonder if it's too much for a child.
I remind myself that what I thought was a blessing may not have been to her.
But Largo, I am human. I was only human.
The selfishness that lurked within me was especially large and heavy at times like this.
And yet, the child who took all of my selfishness in her arms, her beautiful eyes shone with sadness.
Don't you hate me, don't you resent me, don't you despise me....
She wrapped her arms around herself in a hug.
Soon there were crimson marks on her thin arms.
- I took your life, Your Grace, whether you wanted me to or not, I...... did.
The marks on the child's arm were nothing more than guilt rising from the depths of the abyss.
My choice, which I thought was caring, may have been a way to make her suffer.
Maybe it's easier not to face me.
Tears like s stream fell from the corners of my eyes.
- I mean, if it were me, if it were....... me, I thought, assuming.
- How did the thought end?
- I would...... I felt like I could never forgive someone for taking what was mine, for destroying my life, my happiness. I felt like I couldn't stand it, I felt like I couldn't face it, I felt like I could run away from it. From me.
That's what girlhood looked like.
- I really, really didn't want to be hated by you, the King of my country, the person I admire and respect, the person I thought I would follow for the rest of my life.......
In response to her tearful pleas, my mind could only come up with cold words.
I didn’t know what I did in the duchy to warrant respect.
- One thing, for the record, you did not take what was mine, nor did you ruin my life and my life's work, so I do not hate you, nor do I resent you.
It was not because of her that I couldn’t stand the way things were now, and would continue to fall apart more and more, that much was clear.
It was something I would have to say to myself a thousand times, tens of thousands of times in the future.
It's not you. You're not to blame.
You were completely and utterly innocent, forcibly chosen by God, just as a child born to parents is blameless.
Glistening eyes, trembling lips, looked up at me.
- It was only God's will. He gave it to me in the first place, so it's only right that he takes it away.
No one can know why, so it must be that way.
-But, you know, that's the way it is. You show up, and ...... that's the way it is.
-You can't change that, so you have to think about it positively.
***
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