Chapter 40
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My hand trembled in his grip.
Knowing me so well, he must have guessed the reason for the vibrations in my body.
He didn't touch me. He watched me calmly, waiting for the words to come out of my mouth.
Taking a deep breath, I parted my lips a moment later.
-Your Highness.
-Yes, Grand Duchess.
- To Your Highness...... I’m sorry.
His eyes narrowed at the sudden apology.
-Suddenly? What are you sorry for?
- You wanted a child so badly, and you didn't get to hold it in your arms once⋯⋯⋯⋯
For not having seen it once in our not-so-short marriage of six years.
No new life came to us, even though the doctor said there was nothing wrong.
Perhaps the problem was with me.
Because I didn't want it, because I didn't dare hope for it.
So I swallowed it in, and whispered the things I couldn’t let out, only to you.
- I...... just wasn't confident. I was scared and afraid.
A gentle hand touched my cheek.
It stroked my cheek, as if wiping away tears that wouldn't flow.
- What was so scary and frightening?
-To look at my unborn child, to see myself...... What scared me the most.
The first time of anything was the hardest.
Once I got it off my chest, the words that hadn't come out flowed surprisingly easily.
- Can you tell me more about that?
-My mother was busy earning a living, and His Majesty was always cold to me, but I couldn't easily hate His Majesty, and I couldn't shake off the coldness either. While I looked at them both with disdain, I actually felt less for them than I did for myself........
My mother did not have enough time to care for me, and the King was 'the King.' Whereas the King's loud abuse was direct, my mother's neglect was quietly indirect.
I knew she didn't do it on purpose, but there was never enough to fill my unexplained void.
I was hungry inside, and I was always hungry. I still didn’t know what name to give that lack of hunger.
- For a child who would show me unconditional love, I felt like I could never fully reciprocate. I shook off the hand that followed me, turned away from the eyes that showed me infinite trust....... Because I hadn't learned anything. I don't know anything, and I don't feel like I can teach anything to this brilliant child.
I wondered if I, too, had neglected my unborn child, abused him like the king and queen, created the same scars that made me who I am today.
A broken person who first learned to be silent, who didn’t communicate with others, and so accumulated misunderstandings and ended up painting a colorless world.
I guess I was like the king, a terrible coward.
Worried about things that never happened.
At that moment, his face contorted in pain.
-ha
A large hand wrapped around my head.
As he tilted his head, the shadows in front of me shifted slightly, as if I were looking up at the clear sky.
- I, for one, knew nothing.
I would never forget the sound of his low voice, even in death.
- And so it was with the wounds of the Grand Duchess, and the stupid, ugly husband who dug them up.
The self-help words continued.
- I should have talked to you more early on, and not judged and molded you in my own way.
I could feel my hands trembling as they kept me from touching his face.
I wonder if his beautiful eyes were red, too.
- If this hadn't happened...... I'd still be looking at you and being perversely grumpy, oblivious to my faults.
- Grumpy?
- Yes.
As he nodded timidly, the wind, approaching summer, cried.
A hollow laugh followed.
- You know, I always thought you looked like someone who was going somewhere, somewhere far away.
- I...... I'm not going anywhere.
Actually, I had nowhere to go.
Except by his side.
Only by his side was a torch for me to rest my wings, a bed for my little body.
But he still only smiled, a small, hollow smile.
- When you opened your eyes in the morning, did you see the vase on the table?
I was silent for a moment at that.
Was there a vase on my bedroom table, I wondered.
- Do you remember what flowers were in it?
It was a question I couldn't answer.
There was no way I could have seen flowers when I didn't even remember having a vase.
It was one of those moments where I couldn't help but make excuses.
.......because of my ignorance of plants.
- Have you seen the colors, no, do you know what flowers are there?
- I do remember the smell of fresh flowers.
Finally, I had to admit that I didn't know.
Now that I think about it, my room always smelled faintly of fresh flowers.
In fact, thanks to the memories of cannabis from my mother, I've never been a fan of strong odors.
In that sense, the faint scent of fresh flowers in my room was most appropriate for me.
He, who must have understood the meaning of my words clearly, only asked again.
- Who do you think ordered all that?
.....you.
I finally realized.
That the things I had taken for granted in the Duchy were in fact not for granted.
Things I had not seen or heard surrounded me, and I found myself singing praises to the gods, one step removed from reality.
As you once said, I have neglected all my duties.
I remembered the words of his aunt.
What a worthless person I must have been in her eyes.
-I wanted you to recognize me without me saying anything. I wanted you to see me in that way. I thought that one day, you would, at least, if you began to live with your heart attached to the duchy, you would begin to see things that were not in your eyes.
But in the end, I considered myself a stranger.
Indeed, that was why I was indifferent to the things that adorned my room.
I could not even remember the material of the cutlery I used every day, so there was nothing more to say.
It must have been my fault.
I was the one who threw the tantrum; I was the one who labeled him cold; I was the one who covered my eyes and plugged my ears without seeing or hearing.
In the end, it was me.
- So one day, when you're long gone, I hope you'll look back and stop in your tracks. But you, cold-hearted as you were, did not. So if you had a child, you would have to...... I thought you would stop and look back at me as you walked away.
He and I did not know each other like this.
So after traveling a long way, we were finally reaching out to each other.
Only now, when time no longer allowed.
- After all, I am no different⋯⋯⋯⋯ from His Majesty the King, I realize that now.
-No, as I said, Your Highness is the one who has given me the greatest understanding.
- When I first asked His Majesty to have you, I wanted nothing more than your happiness.
If you had listened to me when I was in the midst of my quarrel with him, I would have asked him now if he wished me misery. I know that's not what he meant now. I know it too well.
-You said you misunderstand me. I misunderstood the Grand Duchess, too.
- In what ways did you think so?
- To ask for you, to be a couple with you, to be parents of a child together someday...... I dreamed of that kind of everyday happiness.
I think, Largo.
He was unlike me in that he had no qualms about this marriage, about being the husband of someone.
He must have had many troubles, more concrete dreams, and thoughts of flying farther.
Not alone, but together. A future as a husband to a woman.
I remembered the vows we recited together, our left hands holding each other.
I realized that the vows I thought I'd sworn an eternal lie to my God, were the only true ones I'd ever said to him.
I did not see all that heart. I did not accept it.
I kept my wounds, stabbing at him with nothing but thorns.
I was the bad guy.
***
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Write a comment
Kyiqq-12 (Sunday, 21 January 2024 14:10)
This story is killing me brah :(
Tūbā (Monday, 29 January 2024 23:18)
I feelings sad about them �