Chapter 39
***
The hollow goodbyes crumbled silently in my chest.
A dusting of dirt fell on the spot where the king had left, but it soon melted into the morning sun.
I thought of the coming summer and the illusion of that brief mirage.
When the mirage of someone's memories faded, nothing remained in the place where the person had left.
The tracks of horses' hooves and carriage wheels were still there, but the tiny traces of humanity, a mere speck in the world, had disappeared with the person.
Something so small, so insignificant.
The obvious and familiar traces meant so much to me.
- A parent's love for their child is also unconditional.......
Soon, I could hear you singing your heart out.
It was as if you had been listening to the story of me and the king for a long time.
Shaking off the wear and tear, I let out a crisp laugh, no longer needing to hold on to regrets.
At least, that's how I felt.
I looked on, bruised and bewildered.
The gaps I didn't dare to reach across for fear that the hand I held out would be swatted away.
The times when I envied his warm gaze, his soothing voice, and his gentle attention.
Those days were still a thorn in my side.
But the wound, which had begun to fester, would one day fade away.
Before I knew it.
- They say that a parent's love is the greatest love at any time and in any place, but I don't remember it.
I wonder if I, who had never been a parent, had the right to speak out.
And yet, all I could remember was my mother's laughter, drunk on alcohol and cannabis.
As she collapsed onto the worn bed, I would pull the only dirty blanket we had left in our tiny house over her.
Then she would reach out with a hand that had lost a life milestone and hold my head close.
A life without hope, without anything. Her arms no longer smelled like roses. The stench of alcohol and cannabis that lingered in the air.
Even though the stench was suffocating, I couldn't push her away, because I liked her touch.
She stroked my head, which was close to hers, and told me the same story.
A warm memory associated with the king.
A shadow chasing the light of the past, the brightest sparkle of her life.
-So it is that His Majesty does......
A meaningless word, a touch of a moving hand, so painful.
So I, a child, bit my lip once more, and clenched my fist a little longer.
I walked ahead, pretending I didn't have a broken leg.
Not even realizing that it made me look even worse in the king's eyes.
- The terrible curses and venomous words spewed by Her Majesty the Queen didn't seem to matter.
Officially, we were enemies, but that was as far as it went. In a way, I was unbeatable.
Even if I didn't have a brother, the queen's hatred of me and her wish for my death were within the realm of possibility.
They say that a child is innocent, but I, the innocent child, was guilty, and I was guilty as hell.
Even if I had been in the Queen's shoes, I would have felt terrible for a child in my position, so I was not so bold as to dare to ask others to do what I could not.
He could only stare at me with strange eyes as I muttered to myself.
I seized my husband by the cuff.
-What is it?
-No.
Short answers and a young past.
What moment was he recalling?
- The words you spoke of the king make sense now.
He clasped our joined hands once more, gently, and then released them.
He could not find the comfort he wanted to offer me.
I glanced at the hand that refused to let go, and I whispered softly.
- Come to think of it, Your Highness, I don't think I've ever heard of it.
- What do you mean?
- The stories about the previous king and queen.
And up until now, I've been impressed with myself for not paying attention to his legal parents because he doesn't talk about them.
How old was the first king, and what country was the first princess from?
Whatever it was, he seemed to have a much closer relationship with his aunt-in-law than with his parents.
And not just because the princess was still here.
-Just...... They were just another royal couple.
He drew his brows together, slightly. His face, which might be better described as beautiful, crumpled.
As if it wasn't something he wanted to talk about.
- Ours was a relationship that was neither good nor bad, and certainly not as twisted as the King and Queen's. I, too, had left their embrace early on, leaving me with no special memories or anything to reminisce about.
If it seemed to me that I was more intimate with His Majesty the King......, perhaps it was my own over-exuberance.
-The previous King had several mistresses after I was born, and after his death, my mother immediately remarried.
The words tangled in a small sigh.
A father who had several mistresses, and a mother who remarried after his death, as if waiting for his demise.
I wondered if that would be a pretty ugly picture to look at as a child.
-Mother now lives quietly with her husband in the countryside of her homeland.
- Where is your homeland, Your Highness?
- The Western Empire. She was the only daughter of the Western Emperor, whom he loved dearly.
The Emperor’s only child.
I was reminded that his bloodline was indeed perfect.
If he hadn't asked for me, we would never have met.
- To this day, she still writes to me occasionally. Fortunately, her relationship with her remarried husband seemed to be very good, so I felt very fortunate.
- What do you mean?
- Because if my mother had married a third time, I would have had to attend the wedding with you. It wouldn't have been a pleasant occasion.
It was a boneheaded joke.
It was another reminder of our differences, the way he spoke of a world I only knew because I had heard of it, and he spoke of it as if it were no big deal.
.......I don't know if that's what you call a normal royal couple.
How did our paths intersect when our worlds were so different, and our paths were so far apart?
How could he, who lived in such a contradictorily perfect place, ask for me without prejudice or distance.
How did we end up standing side by side at the same intersection, marking the same milestone?
There was so much I couldn't comprehend in my tiny realm of thought.
I still couldn't come up with a clear definition of who he was.
All I knew was that in my small universe, he was the only one who would always be on my side.
The one person I dare to reach out and hold on to.
- Not that I would, either.
-I'm just saying," he added quickly.
-Yes?
- I only want to be with you.
Not caring who saw or not, he pressed his forehead against mine.
Our gazes were so close. So close that I could see the raindrops on his irises. The affection that felt so generous.
The red light that fell heavily like a falling sun was more serious than ever.
-Till the day my life ends.
-....
The sorrowful confession was too brutal for those of us who were drawing to a close.
Instead, find a good woman and remarry, so you can fulfill your dreams that I will never be able to hear. I hope you realize that it's not a bad thing to look at your mother's life and envision a happily ever after.
I knew in my head that I had to tell him that.
But the selfishness that filled me could not form words. No, I didn't say what I should have said.
Even if this life ended, even if the world forgot me.
Even if my name was not remembered, and my existence would one day be known only as someone who was born a bastard child of a kingdom and happened to be one of the Seeers.
With you, I didn't want to be a part of a forgotten past; I wanted to be just another woman, a simple woman.
****
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