My child 1

Chapter 1. My child died

    ***

    When I opened my long-closed eyes, it was dawn.

    I could hear someone's even breathing in my ear.

    I looked over at the man sharing my bed.

    On top of the bed, the black light from the window illuminated his face.

    The contrast between the light and the dark was stark.

    There were deep shadows beneath the bridge of his nose, beneath his long, awning-like lashes.

    He was a beautiful man, once my husband. A beautiful man who would never do anything evil.

    But I knew what this man had done.

    I looked at the calendar on the wall, and it pointed to exactly seven years ago.

    A dry sob escaped my lips.

    ‘I made it.’

    With the help of a nameless shaman, I had traveled back in time seven years.

    There was only one reason.

    To bring my child back from the dead.

    Silently, I gathered up the clothes I had left behind and put them on. The man did not awaken until I opened the door.

    I took one last look at him before closing the door.

    "Henderson. Forget about last night. You and I will never meet again."

    I wasn't going to marry him this time.

    ***

    My dear child died of an undetermined cause.

    According to the nanny, the child suddenly stopped breathing.

    I rushed to call the doctor, but by the time he arrived, my child had passed away.

    I didn't find out until I returned to the ducal residence after a dinner party at the palace.

    When I first heard the news through my maid, I could not believe it.

    "Don't lie to me. Where is Eddie? I need to see him."

    I headed for the annex where the child's room was located.

    As I walked there, I wobbled a few times before my legs gave out and I collapsed in the hallway.

    I might not have made it to the annex if it weren't for the maidservant who supported me.

    When I finally reached the child's room, I saw Eddie lying peacefully in bed.

    He looked peaceful. He didn't look like he had died.

    "Yeah...... Eddie can't be dead."

    I muttered like a madman and padded over to the bed, my eyes searching his face.

    Silky black hair, fair skin, long eyelashes------ my sweet Eddie.

    "Eddie. Mommy came home too late, didn't she? Her Majesty's speech was long....... Eddie. Do you want to get up? Let's go eat Eddie's favorite chocolate sweets. Okay?"

    I gently shook the child's little shoulder.

    The sensitive Eddie usually woke up quickly at the slightest sound, but strangely, he wasn't following suit today.

    I called his name over and over again.

    "Eddie."

    It was then that I realized that his chest, which should have been rising and falling like a grasshopper, was still.

    All signs of inhalation and exhalation were gone.

    I put my fingers to the tip of his nose and the corners of his mouth. My fingertips trembled like the quivering of an aspen tree.

    Unbelievably, I couldn't feel the slightest hint of his breath, like a breeze.

    "....!"

    The ominous words floated in my head.

    ‘Death, death, death........’

    I said the child's name until my throat was hoarse, hoping to hear it through the stillness of his closed eyelids.

    But my calls and pleas did not reach him.

    I only breathed out static.

    When the tears that flowed from my eyes drenched his face, I lost my mind.

    ***

    Yeah, that would be a nightmare.

    I had been having a really bad time with Henderson lately...... so that's why I was having nightmares.

    For Eddie's sake, I needed to repair my relationship with Henderson.

    I thought as soon as I regained consciousness.

    I must tell Henderson, my husband on the road, as soon as he returns.

    "We're done with the angles.

    He and I had been sharing a room for about a year. I was afraid that if we stayed together much longer, our relationship would be irreparably damaged.

    I suddenly remembered Henderson's cold face when he first refused to sleep with me.

    "Riley, I'm going to ask you to sleep in the other room tonight."

    He didn't return to my bed the next day, or the day after that, or a month later.

    Silence reigned in our bunk, where we'd made small talk until daylight.

    It was sad. It pained me to even think about it.

    "......ma'am. Are you okay?"

    It was my maid, Matilda, asking.

    I pressed my fingertips to my throbbing temples.

    "How long have I been asleep?"

    "About thirty minutes."

    "What about Eddie? I'm going to go check on him."

    I looked at Matilda, and her face fell. She began to speak with a pause, as if she were venting something she didn't want to answer.

    "The young master...... has died."

    "Ha, what do you mean, he was talking to me fine until yesterday, he can't be dead."

    But I remembered. The pale face of the child lying on the bed sheets. The lifeless face of his......

    "..."

    Matilda said nothing, and I felt a stabbing pain in my heart as I realized what her silence meant. The pain started at my temple and spread shallowly over my forehead. I slid off the bed and sprinted to the outbuilding.

    The cumbersome dress I wore for the dinner party caught on my feet again and again.

    I stumbled, tripped, and..... The duke's maids whispered, but I kept running to the outbuilding.

    Waiting for me in the child's room was the doctor and Eddie, still in bed.

    It didn't take me long to realize the brutal reality.

    His breathing had stopped. His hands were even colder.

    I would never hold his warm hands again.

    I would never see his lips as they babbled sweetly.

    I would never again see my prize in his bright eyes.

    His sudden death was not a dream.

    It was very real.

    "I can't believe it......."

    I screamed and screamed at the unacceptable reality. I even slapped the doctor to bring the child back to life.

    But nothing changed.

    "Mommy! Eddie loves mommy."

    My beloved child had gone to a place of no return.

    I felt like I was falling apart.

    It was a base from which there was no hope of salvation.

    ***

    It rained on the day of my child's funeral.

    The rain started early in the morning and intensified as the day progressed.

    It felt like the rain was mourning the death of my child, and I took small comfort in that.

    But it was only a momentary consolation, and it wouldn't save me.

    Henderson returned at the end of the child's funeral.

    He was in a neighboring country at the Emperor's behest.

    The funeral was held in the capital's largest shrine, and I watched him as he walked up to the child's coffin on the altar.

    He hadn't brought an umbrella and was drenched.

    Raindrops from the ends of his hair trickled down his rosy cheeks. Henderson hadn't even bothered to wipe it off.

    He took a long look down at the child, whose face was paler than his own.

    It was a terribly forlorn look.

    Henderson didn't cry until the child's tiny coffin was in the ground.

    Not even a single tear fell.

    He was merely devastated by the child's death, but he didn't seem to be grieving. At least, that's what I saw.

    ‘No matter how much you hate him, he's your child, too, so why aren't you sad?’

    I wanted to ask, but I fell silent.

    I had been crying for days and days, and my energy was low. I was too exhausted to argue with Henderson and vent my feelings.

    I didn't speak to Henderson for the entire funeral.

    He only glanced at me now and then. I didn’t know what he was thinking, but it was a strange look.

    ***

    The rain that had been falling since the morning did not stop until deep into the night.

    A night when everyone in the duchy slept. I curled up in bed, my eyes lazily fluttering open.

    My body was overly tired, but I could not fall asleep.

    My child was buried in the cold dirt. I couldn't sleep in the comfort of my own bed.

    Comfort felt like a luxury.

    "Eddie......"

    I thought, repeating the now unanswered name. About the child's sudden death and the coldness of Henderson.

    ***

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