Chapter 37
***
It was a pitiful appearance.
The king I knew wasn't the kind of person who would show that kind of humanity.
I wondered if he was feeling our presence.
Before long, the king's shoulders relaxed and he turned to face us.
His light-blue eyes, almost white, had a glazed look to them because of their pale color.
Now they were even more so than usual, and I felt like I was staring into a glass ball that could shatter at any moment.
Then husband bowed lightly to the king, making the first move.
- Your Majesty.
- Duke. And.......
The king looked back at me as he answered. His parched lips curled into a smile.
Perhaps it was the constant trembling.
Nevertheless, I could clearly read his many worries.
Even though I had been crying a lot lately, my heart was as calm as a lake on a windless day when I saw those lips that contained so much.
There was only one thing for me to do now.
I followed my husband’s lead and grabbed the hem of my dress.
As always, I set a perfect example of what the Queen had taught me.
-Your Majesty the King.
-.....
For a moment, the King's face contorted in dismay.
I realized that what I had been so attached to had been a fool's errand, an easy thing to do. Had I let it go earlier, I would have been spared the heartache.
I would have known no pain, no suffering, no sorrow. The tears I would have shed, the ache in my heart, would have been undeserved.
But at the same time, if only I hadn't gotten so attached to the relationship.
If I hadn't been hurt, if I hadn't known pain, if I hadn't known suffering, I wouldn't have realized what I know today. In the end, it all wove together like warp and weft to make me who I am today.
- I'd like to see the prince. Will the queen join us? No... It is done.
The hollow voice reached the ornate ruins.
Why did that voice remind me of falling leaves on an autumn day?
Something that had been trampled underfoot by people, dying, and finally rotting into nothingness.
- What did I deserve?
Having left with a gruesome self-help answer, he turned slowly.
The contradiction of having come this far and not being able to face it.
The king, who seemed so cold hearted, was nothing but a coward.
A mere mortal, terribly afraid of hurting me.
Soon enough, the king's body slithered away, disappearing into a darkness that didn't match the morning light. Only after he was out of sight did my husband lead me.
- Let's go in.
-Yes.
The spacious room was well-lit as the king gazed in wonder.
The morning sun bathed the room in its glow.
It was a very warm morning scene.
A young man and two middle-aged innkeepers sat in the gentle rain of the sun.
One of the helpers was holding the young man, who was unable to hold himself up, while the other was scooping porridge into his mouth.
Even then, half of the spoonfuls would spill out of the young man's mouth, so it was a cycle of feeding and wiping his chin.
The young man's shaking body gave away his condition.
With effort, the innkeeper wiped the sweat from his forehead.
Then she spotted him and quickly rose to her feet.
- Your Majesty, have you arrived?
He nodded.
At the sight of him, the man gave an uncontrollable shudder. His lips moved.
In his short and inadequate vocabulary, it was impossible to describe the sound that came from those lips.
It was a low, scratchy voice, and I couldn't make out what he was trying to say.
Nevertheless, it was clear that he was happy to see the king, as if they had met often.
He approached the man calmly.
Then he took hold of the still trembling arms. As if to calm him down.
-Prince, this is your sister.
The head that barely looked back at me shook dozens of times a second.
The moment our eyes met. The first time I greeted a blood relative.
A pair of almost-white, almost-blue eyes that made me feel like I was standing in front of a mirror.
They reminded me of the king.
But Largo, what can I say?
I thought of what so many of us have packaged in this moment: the affection of blood.
Blood ties, they say, are the strongest bonds between people, the ones that bring tears to your eyes.
But I wonder if it's because I, too, am a broken person somewhere.
When I met my brother for the first time, nothing I could feel existed.
Rather, an inexplicable feeling of sorrow filled me.
Saliva dripped from the young man's parted lips. It stuck to his chin like dead filth he hadn't swallowed.
Born and raised in the favelas, I was used to dirt being dirtier than clean.
Now, at best, I was disgusted by it.
However, I did realize and recognize with clarity why the royal family had to abandon my brother.
He was now more like a beast than a man.
A stirring that he felt instinctively, but not naturally, as something different.
I had to struggle not to let out this disgusted revulsion, a contradiction in terms even to myself.
Unlike the king, who approached the prince with ease, I stood beside him with some difficulty.
The words rolled around in my mouth several times, feeling awkward.
Finally, I caught the words as they slipped from my tongue.
- Brother.
Surely at my call, the prince struggled, the muscles of his face refusing to obey his will.
What I could see now, surely, was a smile.
Filled with joy and delight, all positive emotions.
This time, I could clearly hear the words simmering in the depths of my lungs.
Yes, brother.
It was a moment that made me feel utterly ashamed of the inexplicable hatred that had been birthed in me.
He was just a poor soul, a little sick, abandoned by his parents because he was born into a royal family.
It was as if a thick fog had been lifted from my eyes.
It wasn't as if I suddenly felt a kinship.
I just wondered how I could have lived my life without knowing this person.
The king told me nothing, so there was nothing for me to know, except his endless complaining.
The truth was, I never set out to find out for myself, the will to do so was non-existent, and I didn't even care.
In the end, everything that had happened had been my sad punishment for my ignorance and indifference.
***
After that brief and, in some ways, meaningless encounter, I had a second favor to ask of my husband.
- I would like to have a pheasant's quill to adorn a summer hat, and a new pair of gloves for the winter.
- For the winter.......
He pondered my words for a moment.
The two months and days we had obviously shared.
In the meantime, winter had not come.
But we didn't share that.
I could just see the worry in his eyes as he watched me.
- The hunt is not a difficult one, but I do not know if your body can handle it.
- I am perfectly healthy.
- I know your legs are bothering you.
- my legs......?
I had to ask, wide-eyed.
He nodded, something even the maids in the queen's palace wouldn't know about.
- Did you know?
Whenever I returned to the palace, the image of him carrying me in his arms flashed through my mind.
In those comforting arms that I was so embarrassed by at first, but then came to take for granted. The short walk back from the temple to my palace was so easy and warm, thanks to him.
- How did you know?
- How could I not know? Your every action, your every habit, even though you were less concerned with your walking than with your hands on your instruments.
A habit that even I didn't recognize.
I was just walking unconsciously, trying not to fall.
All the things I took for granted were never meant to be taken for granted.
How long had this unknowing attentiveness stayed by my side as a matter of course?
What have I seen, what have I experienced, what have I done with him.
Largo, I always said that, thinking of the relationship between my mother and the king.
They may have spent the same amount of time, had the same experiences, but the feelings and memories they left behind were different.
The words seemed to ring true for me and him.
Perhaps, for him, my ignorance was a light that could not be repaid.
No matter what.
***
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Write a comment
Toti (Monday, 08 January 2024 16:19)
Thank you ❤❤