Chapter 34
***
**TL: I didn’t address this before but the conversation here without “…” because the original text used - instead of “” and I don’t want to change it.
****
His eyes widened as I finished reciting what I had not yet forgotten.
-I remember I was there….
- How could I forget an oath I made to the one I believe in and serve, surely you and I, before the gods, did not make that promise.
Surely he had not forgotten it either.
For it was he, not I, who first uttered that proclamation.
My gaze upon him was calm, but not calm enough.
- Your Highness has kept his word.
- Yes?
- As promised, in this inscrutable world, you have given me the broadest and deepest understanding.
I remember the warmth of my first encounter with him, and his kindness, warm as a bonfire on a winter's day. But his face was contorted in anguish.
- And now, I dare say, I'm afraid...... I think the main character has been converted.
- What do you mean by that?
- Just....... I'm not looking for a long life.
- Grand Duchess!
- It's been five days since Your Highness and I saw each other face to face.
Yes, it was already five days.
Five days without feeling the warmth of the one who stayed by my side every night, despite his cold demeanor. Days when I could only stroke my fingertips across the empty, cold void.
- Even for that one day, I was losing touch with the world.
His face flushed at the reminder.
- So this day,
I clung desperately to his arm.
- An hour of tomorrow,
The line between he and I, a line that could not be crossed because we were an arranged couple, a couple with so many interests at stake.
- A minute of glyphs.
I dared to step into it, to take a step.
- No, not even one more second right now.
Through a throat full of nameless things, I barely managed to get air through.
- Why can't you just be with me?
My first plea to another human being was accompanied by a deep sob.
- Can't you just look at me in the here and now, rather than clinging to an uncertain and unstable future?
To think, Largo.
What was I as a human being, not a princess, not a duchess, not a 'seeer’, but just a human being.
A human being not recognized by the gods, a bastard who had seen the light of the world through an unholy union, a woman who had nothing and was nothing.
Yes, I was just that, a human being.
But even I was fair game in the face of death.
I was just a person, clutching the sands of time in my hands, preparing to travel to a place no one else could tell me about.
One human being, all the same, just that.
- I'm still alive, aren't I, and if you truly cared about me, you'd spend the time I have left ...... with me?
No wonder the tears rolled down my pleading cheeks.
- I have less than three months to live.
- What.......
- Two months and a few days to go.
The way he looked at me, his eyes went blank for a moment, and then they were empty.
Just, just, just.
Fifty-one days since the prophecy. Eighty days to go.
I had wasted nearly a third of that time in endless despair and lethargy, pathetic.
- So...... just for that time.
My words continued, but he raised his hand and covered his own eyes.
- Give me the whole of Your Highness's time.
He did not answer for some time what I dared to ask.
I wonder if I would be refused again.
Had I said something presumptuous?
As these thoughts slowly ate away at me, he burst out laughing a humorless laugh.
-Two months and a few days....... Two months and a few days.......
He then repeated the time I had left.
The hand covering his beautiful eyes dropped to the floor.
- To you, to you, I thought the time I would be allowed was a little longer, but.......
A voice filled with nothing but despair ripped through the air between us.
- Two months at most, a few days....... barely two months...............
A hand slowly reached out and touched my cheek.
His trembling fingers seemed to speak his mind.
- It wasn't a heart that existed to be reciprocated. And yet, in the end, I.......
The hand on my cheek slipped away.
The complex gaze that stared back at me flickered.
Again, and again, and again, those two beautiful eyes filled with sadness.
- You,
You,
-lose,
What are you thinking?
- for.......
What are you doing?
His head, always so dignified, dropped to the floor.
I followed his gaze down.
A drop, two drops, of dark color pooled on the floor.
Glistening rainwater, the most beautiful and devastating thing in the world, shredding my heart.
Let's be honest, Largo.
No one dreams of death.
I, who had given up and said there was no way, wanted to live.
I, who was nothing but a lonely, painful, sorrowful animal, didn't want to die without even knowing the meaning of life.
If I had to give a reason, maybe it was because I had been arguing with you endlessly.
Maybe it was because I wanted to tell you, or the king, or the queen, something I couldn't name.
Maybe it's because I wanted to fill a void I couldn't fill, to make this colorless world a rainbow of colors for once.
Maybe it's because the sun was so warm today, maybe it's because I wanted to see a little more moonlight and a little more starlight, maybe it's because I wanted to walk through the endless rain of the last rainy season again.
Maybe it's because everything in this life is light, and I'm just now realizing it, and I don't want to be deprived of all that is beautiful.
No, actually.
There was no reason at all for this despicable desire to survive.
Then he slowly turned away from me.
His back, which I had always thought of as majestic, now seemed unusually small, shadowed by a fathomless abyss.
***
That night, after five days, he set foot in my palace.
In the pale darkness, he looked so frail, as if he could collapse at any moment.
- You asked for my time.......
Fortunately, the answer to the day's request was not a denial.
A trembling hand rested lightly on my shoulder.
- You, what do you want to do, no.......
He asked, his voice as frail as his form.
-What would you do if you were to return to the kingdom?
-I would see the place where I lived as a child, and I would want to stay there.
I wanted to breathe in my mother's breath. He paused, the words left unsaid.
- Was that what the Duchy's slums were for?
-Yes.
At my meek affirmation, he glanced down at me. The only color of sunlight I could see was wistful.
For a moment, we were enveloped in the silence of the black night. I waited, with difficulty, for the words to come from those lips that had sprouted so many times.
- If I grant you my time....... What could I ever...... What can I do for you in the future?
- A lot of things.
I thought of Largo, of my wishes written down for you.
Vague hopes that I didn't dare hope for, but things that I knew I could accomplish.
That sharp line.
But my priorities now were not to be the dreams I wrote down for you.
- Still, my first priority is to see my brother.......
He must have been the cause of my existence in this world.
The queen's words were still echoing in my ears, words I would never forget, even in death.
-Your Highness had said that I was a stain of the Duchy, and I, in my ignorance, had assumed that you meant me. I greatly misunderstood.......
-.... no.
His voice, muffled by a deep sigh, was bitter.
- I spoke because I was petty, I spoke even though I knew you were ignorant.
I stood frozen in place for a moment as he broke my heart, knowing it would hurt.
-Why did you do that?
-.....
To my question, he only added a wry smile.
I couldn't bear to hear the answer to my question.
****
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