Chapter 29
***
How I feel in this moment: right, justified, and deserved.
I had no idea.
It was a cowardice that no words could describe.
Humans were selfish, self centered, and weak.
Just knowing that I wasn't the target of that hatred made my heart, which had been plunging into the depths, feel lighter.
Alas, I may have been too worldly to speak the word of God.
So perhaps the One I served was calling me to His side, a little closer to Himself...... I wish I had thought of that.
To choose one to worship Him alone.
- To watch you breathe, healthy, with all you have to offer⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯
The Queen paused, seemingly out of breath.
Still sitting on her high perch, she let her emotions sink in.
The way she stared at me, with her seemingly graceful demeanor, seemed to steal my breath away.
- The day you were born. I was determined not to give a damn about you, but I couldn't. You're the only thing that drives me crazy.
As usual, the verbal assault poured out.
-The day you came back. I wanted to write your mother and your name on it and drink the poison, so that you, and everyone else in the world, would know how degraded I am because of you, how abominable you are to me, and that it's the first time in my life that I've ever hated someone so much that I wanted to kill them.
What was I supposed to do in response to such genuine resentment?
- Even if the only way to show it was with my death. I wanted to do that.
- If you wanted it so badly, why didn't you do it?
- If I wasn't a queen, if I wasn't a princess of the North, I would have done it.
Tilting her chin, her expression distorted.
She was just being a queen, considering her duties.
The funny thing was, she was talking about her children.
- Remember that, duchess, until the day you die. Even when you're dead and you've kissed the waters of oblivion that the gods have given you. Keep this one in the back of your mind.
-....
- You were born illegitimate to my husband and stood above the world as a princess, but my child was born deficiently and sank into the deep. When you were born, you gained life, but my child lost it.
My knees suddenly throbbed at the harsh words.
There was a reason I didn't dare spit out a word of resentment at the queen who had made me this way.
But it wasn't just because of my origins that she had to make me this way.
- That with every breath you take, with every moment, you are one step closer to hell.
Hearing those words, I thought again.
I was driving her crazy?
What it meant to have a sick child in the royal family.
And when I, the illegitimate child who must have been born after, was well.
The devastation the queen must have faced, the sense of crisis that stared her in the face.
As another human being.
When the child she was carrying in her womb was sick, but the other child with her husband's blood was healthy.
When his child could have what her child couldn’t.
When she had spent her life comparing, and hating, and it was eating her up.
It was a feeling I couldn't quite put my finger on.
Whatever it was, I was the mouse and she was the cat.
In a way, I didn’t need to understand, and there was no reason for me to know.
Blinking once, I opened my mouth to form words.
Words that I would never have said to the queen otherwise spilled out.
- ......You must have felt like you had the world when my mother and I were thrown out.
- I doubt I was ever satisfied with just you and her being kicked out.
-When my mother died, you must have been so happy.
- Yes, I were, but only for a moment.
- So when I came back,⋯⋯⋯⋯ you must have really wanted to kill me. It must cross your mind that the poison you wanted to take should be better for me.
At my confirming question, the queen curled up the corners of her lips.
I bowed my head respectfully to her.
-My sincere congratulations.
- What did you suddenly say?
-Now that you've gotten your wish.
The queen looked up, her eyes trembling.
- In the end, Her Majesty has won.
-Have I?
The Queen laughed in disbelief. She then slapped my face roughly.
For a moment, my vision went white.
I couldn't remember anything, couldn't think of anything.
Except that the slap on my cheek from the person who had made such a noble gesture hurt.
- Really, like mother, like daughter, you know all too well how to turn a person inside out.
If the voice had a shape, it would have been the most ugly distortion of all. The Queen spoke like a madwoman.
- If you had children, you'd know that I'd want to hold them in my arms until the day I died. Being sick is secondary. No, being sick is more important.
The Queen spoke of unexpected things, things that didn't seem to fit the one I knew.
-You've deprived me of my child and....... what?
But, then.
Wasn't it the king, not me, who deprived her of her child, so dear to hold in her arms?
- You and your mother are a bunch of insolent squires who always defeat me.
- So I'll disappear from the eyes of Your Majesty.
Having let go of something I had been holding onto in the back of my mind, I feigned nonchalance.
- It won’t be long now; I have less than a hundred days to live.
The queen, her brows drawn together, glared at me.
- Both my mother and I will leave before Your Majesty. Even your son, who is said to be ill, will outlive me.
As I continued, the queen's eyes narrowed.
There was something she hadn't thought of.
- So, Your Majesty wins.
-....A hundred days?
She asked, then burst out laughing aloud.
Like she was genuinely amused and happy.
I felt like I was watching a monster I shouldn't have seen.
- One hundred days, only one hundred days....... for twenty-six years I can't wait to see His Majesty's face in a hundred days. (Queen)
The sound made me realize.
The Queen’s hatred for me stems from her bitter feud with the King.
It shattered my little fantasy that maybe, just maybe, I could have a heart-to-heart with her.
Weren’t we mother and illegitimate child?
It was a chain of events that had been laid before I was born.
My colorless dreams, which had never seen a single day of gold, were as gray as ever.
And he (the Duke) did not visit me that night.
#D-81
Early in the morning, the Duke’s aunt came to visit me.
My aunt- in- law, who managed the palace on my behalf, sat down to exchange greetings.
The air settled heavily.
We were too far apart for casual conversation.
Still, having traveled this far, she didn't seem to want to speak first.
Unable to endure the long silence, I forced myself to speak.
- What is His Highness doing?
It was the only topic I could think of to discuss with my aunt-in law.
Tang. She harshly set her teacup down on the saucer.
Her eyes were fierce as she glared at me.
- I thought he’d send a messenger or something, but he didn't say anything, so I came myself.
Her reaction threw me for a loop.
What followed was, even more so.
-He’s looking for a way to save you, so what are you doing?
Perhaps my eyes were not calm as I looked at her.
Unlike me, who gave up on everything because it was natural.
I didn't even think about it at my age, but he did.
A strange feeling rushed through me.
He may have been searching for some threadbare hope that might exist somewhere.
Not knowing that it was pointless.
Ah, a foolish man.
-.......Is that so?
- I’ve heard a "seeer" and a “reciter" have come.
My aunt-in -law grumbled.
- They're staying in the temple. If you want to see him, you can go there.
***
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Write a comment
Toti (Sunday, 03 December 2023 12:33)
I hope the aunt is more Softness than the queen
Toti (Sunday, 03 December 2023 12:34)
Thank you for the translation ♡♡