Chapter 28
***
***Back to the Princess’s pov
-90-day bucket list
#D-85
.....
First seen, from that day forward.
Largo, do you know, no. when was the first time with me he says.
But I have not had enough time to think and ponder his words.
He walked away, as if something had happened again.
Too many people came to see me, including the king, to wait for me alone.
As if to mock the nothingness of the past.
All of those who approached me had the same reaction.
They looked somber as if they felt sorry for me, a person who would soon leave the world.
As if they couldn't offer me any consolation or kind words.
I drank a cup of tea in silence and went back to my room.
I wondered if they knew.
That attitude, to me, seemed like an irrevocable sentence.
#D-84
....
In the few brief moments I was allowed, I thought of him.
What I would say if I ever saw him again?
What would be the right thing to say?
Would you tell me the answer?
#D-83
....
At the end of the day, it was a very strange feeling to realize that you didn't exist.
An emptiness, a void, as if the world was falling apart.
I felt like I was walking into an endless void, where the world was disappearing and the sun was never going to set.
Something I had never felt before.
Maybe this was what they had been feeling for me all along.
#D-82
....
Today, someone more unexpected than a king appeared before me.
As she gracefully entered my bedroom, escorted by her maids, she reacted differently from the others.
- So, you’re dying?
A voice murmured, as if pondering.
The Queen's lips curled upward in a crooked way, like water droplets hitting the surface of the water.
I was always a sinner in her presence, for none of my memories with her were good.
Even now, as I walked toward death, I dared not hold my head high.
- Yes.
- Haa.......
A sigh that plunged into the abyss, deeper than twilight, perhaps, left her lips.
Staring straight at me, the Queen smiled, more beautiful than anything in the world.
- God is unkind to you, yes.......
I wondered how to react to the words, which still tinged with resentment and hatred, but unlike my complicated mind, the Queen only chuckled.
- You're the one who sees, you're the daughter of God, you're......
Her gaze flashed with long-held resentment.
I don't remember ever being loved dearly by someone, nor ever having to bear someone's such deep, dark resentment.
The Queen's open hostility baffled me even more than it had in the kingdom.
- How...... hell. You won't know it till you die, for I was worse than the king, worse than your mother.
Muttering madly, the Queen puffed out her chest.
There was a face I had never seen before, full of joy.
-Now you will never appear before my eyes again, and my heart is filled with joy.
I was not hurt by her verbal abuse.
My relationship with the Queen was such.
It was just that I no longer had to hang my head in shame as an innocent sinner in front of this woman.
The realization that I didn't have to be a perfect prisoner, shackling myself to both wrists, washed over me like a tidal wave.
- I'm glad to think I'll never see Her Majesty again, either.
-It was only a few years ago that you could barely speak, and now you're such a good sport about it. I guess place makes the man, doesn't it?
Her Majesty's tongue clawed at my chest in a way that hurt.
-Like your mother.
My mother's stories were, perhaps, the catalyst for what lay dormant within me.
All the more so now that there was nothing to see.
-...In retrospect, I should have acted sooner.
I knew what would tear her heart out.
- As His Majesty's only daughter, I've been too diligent in my attempts to make the Queen feel better. ...... By listening to Her Majesty's words, I may have caused Her Majesty even more regret.
-I see.
It was a remark that would have set her off at any other time, but Her Majesty raised her head sternly.
-I would have disliked you less if you had gotten angry and cried and argued.
There was only one response I could think of to her words.
- They say that married couples grow to resemble each other, and it seems that the old saying is not wrong. Her Majesty is saying the same thing as His Majesty the King.
- What did you just say?
It sounded like something she really didn’t want to hear.
As if all that was left between the old couple was disgust, not trust and affection.
Shivering, the Queen made a face.
- His Majesty and I...... Ha, Duchess. Do you have any idea...... why you're dying?
- I'm curious, too.
- You, you're being punished.
There was a pause at the word punishment.
Had I done anything wrong to deserve this harsh wait?
-Because if you let a tear fall from another's eye, you'll get a bloody tear from your own. I realize today, looking at you, that the world wasn't wrong.
-.......When did I cause tears to fall from the eyes of Her Majesty? It was Her Majesty who always hurt me.
Her lips curled up in a crooked smile in response.
In truth, I didn't need to ask.
To her, the existence of me a great wound.
- Of course, I admit that I...... the product of an unholy marriage. I understand that Her Majesty is angry every time she sees me. But I wasn't born this way because I wanted to be born this way, was I?
I wanted to be born into a normal family, a normal person.
I was probably the one who was hurt the most by my birth.
Do you know what it's like to have a mind that can't help but think of itself as unclean, a reality that can't help but recognize that the blood that runs through my veins and the flesh that makes up my body is unclean?
The noble woman before me would never know.
She would not understand what it means to take something for granted, or how much it can mean to someone else.
-Haven't I been punished enough by Her Majesty, who hates me to death, and now I can't even walk for long.
I, a sinner before the Queen, had been unjustly punished.
The way she tormented me was not by whipping me or...... or slapping me.
She simply made me stand all day in high heels.
I listened to the conversations of the ladies who visited her, ostensibly to learn their manners and tones.
From early morning until evening, I was forced to stand beside her like a shadow for three years.
At dusk, I would finally sit down at the piano in the temple and raise my hands to forget my pain.
But those three years destroyed my knees.
-So?
The Queen merely snorted.
-I hope you don't take pity on me for that, because I'm still weeping because of you.
As if there was a frown on her face that couldn't be resolved, the Queen spoke coldly.
Beyond her gaze, I could almost see the wounded girl crying.
-......Why do you hate me so much?
-Why? You still don't know? Didn't the Duke say anything?
-If he did, I'd have no reason to ask.
- Well, of course, you’re about to die, so there's nothing I can't tell you.
Largo, I thought long and hard about whether or not this was a record worth keeping.
Secrets and elixirs.
Stories that I, and the rest of the world, would have lived without knowing if this hadn't happened.
And the stain on the kingdom you spoke of.
If the day ever comes that you are read by others, I will have exposed the shame of a kingdom that His Majesty did not wish to be known. Nevertheless, I am determined to tell you the truth, and so I write you today.
- For the king and I had a son, born long before you.
I had to ask the unexpected, a beat too late.
The king always spoke of me as if I were his only child.
-There was a prince?
- And.......
The Queen's voice was dry with laughter.
-He couldn't even clear his throat, my child.
A sickly, blatantly crippled child was born to the royal family.
It was a fatal gaffe for a royal family that had to be perfect at all times.
Because I know what it's like to look at a royal family.
I was creeped out by the Prince’s abnormality, but also terribly saddened by it.
It has been said that the greatest punishment for a parent is for their child to be sick, and for their child to leave the world before them.
I could barely comprehend the meaning of those words.
- I looked at you, physically fine, sitting on the lap of a man called my husband...... what was I supposed to think?
The Queen's whispers died down.
I felt sorry for my half-brother.
I was not the king's stain and trouble that he spoke of.
I realized now that it was the sick brother the Queen gave birth to.
***
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